Oh and by the way...

Another moaning account of my life for the last 10 weeks - you have been warned.

Toothache - Jesus fucking Christ, the next tooth along to where I had all of the other issues (when I say issues, I mean when parts of my jaw FELL OFF)which then delayed my treatment and the bones mets started getting worse.

Excellent

My god the pain is incredible. After sacking my last dentist I think I rang about 15 dentists in the area, no one is taking on NHS patients so I went private. Turns out, no great shock, that I need a root canal and a crown. £1,500. So, after last time I’m sure the hospital told me any future procedures like this needed to be done by them because of the potential side effects of my bone injections. FOUR weeks of phone calls to the hospital chasing and chasing, pretty much begging I got a referral to the hospital dentist. A week later I chased up my appointment only to be told that they don’t carry out these type of procedures and I’d have to see a regular dentist. And so I got myself the next available appointment with them -4 weeks time.

So that’s me pretty much in bed the entire time, toothache, still in pain from my trip down the stairs and bladder spasms. It’s been horrible, plus the fact that we’re still in lockdown so I can’t see anyone, I don’t know how Arron has coped, I really don’t, I cry most nights, I wake up in pain crying, he gets no sleep and still has to go to work. He deserves a knighthood   ( I would never tell him that!)

Then I had an overnight stay in hotel Burton Hospital, raging temperature, vomiting for 4 days... the staff in A&E were incredible, absolutely amazing, but they didn’t quite know where the infection was. It’s safe to say that the surgical team didn’t want me and neither did the medics, in fact the medical team made me cry with how rude they were and made me feel like I was making the whole thing up - not sure how you can fake your bloods but hey. So I had a CT scan incase I had kidney stones, that came back “clear” so I was put under the care of the medics and put on a ward overnight for IV fluids, antibiotics and antisickness. I’d like to thank the ward sister that burst through the doors at 2am shouting that it was officially spring and the clocks had gone forward, that was a highlight, along with being denied analgesia incase I was sick again. Not one person listened to me about my tooth and I was treated for sepsis.

The next morning after politely telling the HCA that I could walk and there was no way that anyone was assisting me to have a shower, I was seen by a doctor.

She said that because I was feeling much better (was I? Pretty sure I’d just filled 2 sick bowls), they were going to discharge me and put it all down to me having my second covid vaccine. Oh and her boss had checked my “clear” CT scan and had noticed that one of the cysts on my liver was larger than the others so there is a 50% chance it could be cancer but she would email my Oncologist and they would look into it but could take a couple of months. Sorry what?!

After being told that I didn’t need to wait for my discharge letter and I wasn’t going home with any medication (clearly the antisickness meds I was having at home weren’t working but who cares?) me and my temperature of 37.9 left the ward and went home. 3 bottles of Orangina later I was back in my own bed.

My sister came round and did my housework, ran me a bath, absolute angel and brought meals on wheels, I have zero energy and I’m reliant upon lucozade.

Fabio showed no fucks and carried on being a little dickhead, barking for no apparent reason and just pissing where he likes....

I spoke to my secondary nurse to tell her about the scan and she said that she would put it through MTD and I’d have the results on the 16th April,

I then called the dentist to see if there had been any cancellations but they only had a small appointment available but could do something to get me out of pain - amen for that!!

My god the pain!!!!! Jesus Christ, I’ve been to the dentist and they’ve started the treatment - they’ve taken the old filling off, removed the plaque that was sitting on the nerve (apparently I’m unlucky because there wasn’t that much plaque but what there was, was sitting on the nerve), I mean really, what did I expect? So I’ve got antibiotics and a temp filling. That was yesterday, last night I almost tried crack I was in that much bastard pain, honestly it was awful, so in my stupid tiny mind I decided to take codeine, knowing that it would make me sick.... didn’t even touch the pain and my god was I sick... sorry, still sick today, and still in pain .... crack anyone?

Hollie and Sammy have really saved the day, 

Hollie got me a nightie so there’s nothing pressing on my bladder/stomach and Sammy got me an electronic heat pad - Arrons well happy that he no longer has to go up and down the “death stairs” filling my hot water bottles up! It’s really taken the edge off and I’m no longer googling crack pipes...

12th April came and went, I remained in bed but could see everyone on social media out with friends, all I could think about was having a larger shandy in a beer garden but as I could only just make it to the bathroom I was sensible. Also my blood pressure had seen better days and I didn’t even have the energy to get dressed 🙄

I went for the dreaded results....the CT is unclear, it’s not a cyst, it’s either a blood vessel.... or cancer... so on Friday I had an MRI and now the waiting starts over again.

I can’t thank everyone enough for their messages, might take me a while to reply sometimes but I really appreciate it, along with all of the lovely flowers from Amber Lodge, Andrea, Sammy, Rhian and my sister in law Leanne, I think we need to get some more vases!

I’ll be lucky to get 1 Pay Day chocolate bar!

I did manage to go to the beer garden with Andrea to meet my brother for a Diet Coke!! It was amazing, the sun was shining everyone was happy it really was lovely, hopefully there are more days like this to come!

For now I’m resting again in bed, trying to get the energy to strip the bed🙄 and trying not to think about the likely outcome of May 14th. Deep down I know what’s coming, I’m not right, somethings going on...

I’m not sure I can do it again.

The Xmas of broken bones and boilers

After last years Christmas, which was fab until Xmas day evening when the man flu (which I actually now think was covid, set it) I was really looking forward to it, especially to the mainly shit show of 2020.

We’d planned on Xmas day at home just the 2 of us (plus the guys of course), and then Boxing Day Hollie, Dave and the kids were coming for a party. Oh how plans changed so quickly for everyone, - no mixing of households except for Christmas Day. 

Then on Xmas Eve the temperature dropped and our boiler broke, I cried and went back to bed. Now if you’ve ever broken a bone or suffered with bone pain you’ll know that the cold and damp does fuck all to help. So late Xmas Eve it was decided that I would go and stay at Hollies in the warm and Arron would join us Xmas day for dinner. It actually turned out really lovely, I was able to pop and see my brother and kids and had a lovely day - and of course I didn’t have to lift a finger as I’m not allowed anywhere near the kitchen so I just sat and played with the kids and did a bit (a lot) of karaoke! 

Fast forward to 29th December, I was at home, upstairs, tidying and as I went to go down the stairs I slipped and fell top to bottom. Ouch. We live in an old Victorian terrace and the stairs are STEEP to say the least, we have a tiny tiny square hallway (if you can even call it that) so my fall was broken at the bottom with my legs stretched out slamming into the front door. I must have tried to grab the wall or something because I pulled my left shoulder and lymphedema arm too, just to really add salt to the wound.

I was screaming, the pain was incredible. After about an hour of Arron trying his best to help me, he somehow got me back up the stairs and into bed with a hot water bottle, some codeine and a sleeping tablet. The next day is a blur really, I couldn’t move, every bone from my waist down felt like glass, more embarrassment there was a few times that I just couldn’t get to the toilet in time. Thankfully my new heated blanket I got from my Mom for Xmas was shared - thank the bloody lord - I’d have been lost without it!!

New Years Eve I was due my bone injection, I arrived at the chemo department - Arron had to drive me, there was no way in hell I could drive - I can hardly sit down. One of the chemo nurses came out to the reception and I burst into tears, she basically said I looked horrendous (in the nicest possible way), she called A&E and off I went.

Brilliant. Happy New Year.

Few hours later along with some morphine and a couple of scans I was told that I’d fractured my coccyx. 

Honestly you couldn’t make this up. I’m so angry with myself. I’ve literally been housebound, well bed bound for a month, the only place I’m semi comfortable is in bed. I’m also now the proud owner of a fucking pressure cushion. To make things just that bit worse my feet now keep going numb and my bladder appears to be in spasm.

It would appear that this year is going to be just as shit as last year.

2021 can fuck off, I’m done. 

The good, the bad and cancer

Had some amazing news just before my birthday at the end of September - my latest CT was stable, meaning that nothing had grown or spread, so the Tamoxifen is working - YAY!! 

I celebrated for about a week, with a lot of eye rolling from Arron! 

But something no longer feels right, last week I spent the best part of 6 days in bed with excruciating lower back pain. I was actually en route to my friends down south and had to pull in at the services to throw up and cry, very nearly booked a hotel but somehow got home that evening. At first I thought it was kidney pain as my kidney function has recently plummeted (little buggers have done this before and then bounced back so fingers crossed and all), but then I started feeling pain similar to that of Tax chemo side effects.

Codeine wasn’t cutting it, I felt sick allllll the time, luckily I managed to source some tramadol, which I stupidly took on an empty stomach...

Then randomly in the middle of the night my top lip started to swell, and I mean SWELL, as if I don’t have enough going on, and I was actually meant to be going to work that day -what are the bloody chances ??

So a quick trip to the doctors and a shot of adrenaline later I was back in bed, very upset, very frustrated and yep still in pain. 

Friday we went away for a friends birthday which was lovely but in reality, I can’t do the normal things anymore that everyone around me can do. Don’t get me wrong there were no half marathons just a leisurely stroll through a city but it almost finished me off. I was crippled in pain, the sickness came back, my bones feel like they’re made of glass, and I get unbelievably tired sooooo quickly. So at around 9pm I went to bed, sober, on my mates bday, which is not like me at all, I’m usually the one demanding a final final. 

Is this is now for me? Is this my new quality of living? I guess it’s only downhill from here... Yesterday I popped to my sisters to pick up my washing (yep can’t keep on top of only mine and Arrons washing so my sister did it for me), I literally drove there, sat down, drank about 5 pints of lemon water and drove home, can I get out of bed today? Nope, I’m absolutely done in.

Also somethings going on with my thirst, as in I can’t quench it, I’m literally drinking allllllll day, Ive dipped my urine and that’s ok, last months bloods were ok so god only knows what’s going on there -but I guess that’s for another day.

I just wanted my good news to be celebrated for a tiny bit longer before things got shit.

Breaking Point

Sigh.

All of the shitty side effects have been for nothing. The nausea, rashes/blisters, migraines, UTIs, thrush, bone pain, stomach ache, fatigue, insomnia, abnormal heart rhythm, sore mouth, hair thinning the lot. All for nothing. The amount of time wasted in bed, all of the cancelled plans, the cancer has gotten worse, increased in size and stead further.

I now have tamoxifen for 3 months and if the next scans aren’t any better then it’s chemo.

I’m at an all time low. I’ve spent the last week in bed, can’t remember the last time I washed my hair, today I could barely open my eyes as I’ve had an allergic reaction to some bastard face wipes so I’ve spent all day in bed crying.

I’m done. 

I have nothing left in me, the fight has gone. I’ve spent 6 years with this crap and it’s taken everything from me. I already know it’s spreading, my left hip now hurts, everything I have been through has been for nothing. I’m so drained all i can do is cry. It’s so consuming, my heart is so heavy, I have nothing left.

6 years 10 steps back

6 whole years have passed since I was first diagnosed, 6 bloody years that’s a lonnnnng time and very little has changed. It still controls my life, I think about it when I’m trying to sleep and it’s the first thing I think about when I wake up. How sad. 

Bloody shit.

Treatment is fucking shit too, this new treatment plan has caused me nothing but crap. Every week headaches, migraines, water infections bla bla bla it can really get a girl down ...

Wouldn’t be so bad if it WASNT ALL FOR NOTHING

Yep, new in on Friday is that something “new” has appeared in my sacrum, brilliant.

It gets better, they aren’t sure what it is as the scan report is ambiguous. Excellent. Once again I one knows what’s going on and no one is capable of making a bloody decision.

It’s going for a second opinion on Thursday this week and I’ll get an asset on Friday. Apparently. Not going to hold my breath.  

I think I’m covering all outcomes when I say

1. they still can’t decide but 

a) I continue on current treatment

b) I start new treatment -tablet / injection 

c) I have more chemo

d) I have more radiotherapy

e) I have more bone biopsies 

2. It has got worse and is in fact more bone mets 

a) I continue on current treatment

b) I start new treatment -tablet / injection 

c) I have more chemo

d) I have more radiotherapy

e) I have more bone biopsies 

3. They decide it’s not bone mets

a) I continue on current treatment

b) I start new treatment -tablet / injection 

c) I have more chemo

d) I have more radiotherapy

e) I have more bone biopsies 

4. They still have no idea what it is

a) I have more bone biopsies and they Danny about some more and I don’t sleep

Answers on a post card

Covid

23 days in (would have been 30 but before official shielding began I went to Helens for a night of red wine).

Like many, loads of shit has been cancelled, a family holiday to Spain (even Arron was excited about going), a trip to LA with Sammy -in fact we should be there now😩, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, Ibiza, Crystal Maze, Gay Pride, 80’s-90’s Festival, the list goes on. What I do know is that the second we’re allowed were off to Jamaica followed by a much needed girls trip to Ibiza.

Wow I’m bored. It’s not like I haven’t done this before but this time it’s different, I have energy, I want to do stuff, well cleaning, I absolutely don’t want to do that, ever - lock down or not that’s not happening apart from the essentials - but well done to everyone else cleaning skirting boards and cupboards.. it’s just not for me....

I’ve mostly been filling my days with sleep (I now have to sleep alone as I’m “vulnerable”), watching TV - what the hell Carol Baskin....FaceTiming, meditating and good old fizz. Worst part is having to rely on Arron to do the shopping and therefor judging the bottles I’m getting through ...

It’s safe to say that the guys have loved having us (mainly Arron at home all day) But it does emphasise that I really need my girl dog Jackie Brown as I don’t get a look in

It has got me thinking though, Does anyone use the ribbon tie on a dressing gown?

Do the Kardashian’s use false lashes on the bottom lash- surely those aren’t natural?

I’ve carried out my own experiments on cheap fizz - skittles and the results are pretty surprising, red skittles were vile, and the top faves were green followed by purple - there you have it

And having witnessed Arrons work voice, WOW, he uses phrases like key elements, networking and going forward. He also has the strangest telephone voice when speaking to “clients” and solicitors.....

Many an hour of TV watching has been consumed, jumped on the Tiger King band wagon and wasn’t disappointed, it raised 2 questions, 1) they don’t get bit to death and more hauntingly where are their teeth 😳 ooh and also, now I really really want/need some cowboy boots.

But my saving grace has to be Schitt’s Creek, me amd Arron are both obsessed (special thanks to Sammy and Dave for the introduction)and there’s 5 lengthily series, it’s fantastic and should be watched by all.

Also partaken in some House Party activity, where I’ve mainly been rinsed for my animal print clothes collection and lack of general knowledge... but it makes missing friends and family that little bit easier,

Easter was made even more fun for us as we were given a Lazy Spa by our friends Sarah and Wayne. I think I spent around 5 hours in it on Saturday -absolute game changer and just what I needed. Just need to get some cup holders and fairy lights and I’ll be well away and happy for the next 9 weeks.

But there to bring me back to Earth was the little reminder that I do have cancer in my bones (yawn), I’ve not been able to get up today due to bone pain in my back and hips, have a done some crying and feeling very sorry for myself. I try and remind myself that particularly at the moment I should be grateful for my health and there are a lot of people worse off... but it still sucks and is still extremely painful, I guess I’m starting to understand why I’m classed as vulnerable... not fun at all....

It’s also brought on the ever attractive eczema in and around my face, with my eyes swelling so much I could barely open them this morning. Rebecca sent me a load of Moo Goo products last time so fingers crossed they work again and I’ll stop looking as scary.

The gift that keeps on giving ey, but today it does give me a free pass to eat my dinner in bed so not all bad I guess, if only I could find where Arron has hidden my bell for attention.....

Bed

Arh bed. Most people dream of laying around sleeping most of the day.

I’m bored shitless. This week it’s a migraine and chest infection, I don’t think I can watch anymore TV, I’ve got to the point where I’m willing it to be 7pm just so I can take my sleeping tablets and even those effects are wearing off now.

I’ve never been so bored in all of my life. There’s plenty I could be doing around the house but that’s all I seem to do. I spend most of my days alone, I can’t remember the last person that came to visit, how sad is that? Nobility has well and truly worn off...

Guess people have ordinary lives to get on with and aren’t completely ruled by hospital appointments, medications and side effects.

At this precise time I’m not loving my life, just existing.

Fuck you cancer.