730 days

The biopsies are back, I'm really sorry, it's picked up cancer cells......you have cancer.

That was 2 years ago today. 2 whole years and yet whenever I think about that day I get that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's actually quite overwhelming. I'm not the same person that I was 731 days ago. I wish I was that person, I would love to feel that again, carefree, normal ( and not to have a bloody lymphedema sleeve or crappy menopause). Wow I can't even remember how it feels, that makes me sad, 2 whole years.

I suppose in terms of my emotional state I'm the best I've ever been in the last 730 days, well today I feel like I am. The crying is less frequent, but I'm still, and will always be weighed down by cancer. 

Gone are the days of an ache or pain being nothing more than an ache or pain because I've drank too much the night before or I've hurt myself exercising or I'm just worn out from working 12 hour days, it's the cancer returning, of course it has, it's bound to at some point isn't it?

Am I too happy at the minute?this surely won't last long, something is going to happen, it has to, it always does, prepare for and expect the worst. This is now what feels normal for me, these feelings, is this it now..... forever?

At night I lie in bed and imagine what life would have been, what would I look like? Where would we live? What would our 19 month old child look like? What would she (I always imagine she) be doing -talking? Walking? Would she be a girly girl? Would our house be full of dolls and my little ponies? Would we be going on our very own family holiday? Would we be thinking about another? Maybe a blue one?

Yep, 730 days on and I still can't sleep.

I guess it doesn't really matter, there's no point in thinking about these things, the clock won't go back, this can't be undone and I'm pretty sure this nightly routine I have isn't exactly healthy, but I almost look forward to it. Life can be anything I want it to be. 

And then I get a twinge and there it is again, reality, cancer, and I'm wide awake, it's the loneliest place to be.

Call the midwife

It's 02:14am, she's 3cm and we've been here for 17 hours, and it's amazing, absolutely wonderful (well, if you were to ask my sister at this precise time I think she'd have a very different opinion...)

She's in a state of pain maybe a bit delirious and well, actually she's writhing around the bed using gas and air as if her life depended on it! 

Meanwhile we've been playing a number of epic songs (Dave would very much disagree) and I've been singing to the little fella ... All the classics - Tina Turner, Ricky Martin, the Toffife chocolate jingle (there's so much fun in Toffife) - I don't know why, just got stuck in my head.

I hope he's out soon, I'm desperate to meet him and have a cuddle....

So now it's almost 4am, her waters have been broken (ouch) and it's fair to say it looks pretty painful, I could murder a cup of tea...

HE'S HERE!! He came at 0425am weighing 8lbs 6, I never did get that cup of tea !) it was amazing, Hollie was amazing, so was Dave, I'm so proud of them both. The look on their faces was something else, that feeling of seeing your baby for the first time must be out of this world. He's gorgeous and he's completely stolen my heart. I was asked to cut the cord and I even got him dressed for the first time (which included putting on a very tiny nappy - let's hope I'm not asked to be the first one to change him....)

Hollie is now in theatre -pesky placenta wouldn't deliver so she's having a spinal block and well you can guess the rest 🖐🏼......

I literally can't stop smiling, partly because our fabulous midwife Mavis, brought in a pot of tea shortly after he was born but also its just so amazing. I can't stop staring at him, he's perfect, and right now he has the potential to do or be anything he wants, which when you think about it, it's incredible, he doesn't know about sadness or pain, and hopefully he will just be happy - oh and heart his aunty of course! 

Epic exercise .... Fail

For as long as I can remember I've threatened to start exercising, mainly because I want nice legs to be able to wear shorts, that's basically all it boils down to. 

I started working loads and didn't really have time and then the whole cancer thing happened and so summer legs went out the window. I did think that I would loose weight during treatment (every cloud and all, but that didn't happen).

Anywho, treatment finished around 10 months ago, had yet another summer of hating my legs and then decided to give the whole running thing a go. Well that's a lie, I got my trainers last year and wore them to the park...once...

But earlier this year I decided to give it a go, I highly recommend the Couch to 5K app. I was actually quite nervous and so I went out on my own (at night so no one would see me), I really enjoyed it, well as much as you can enjoy trying not to get run over or fall over or pass out, all whilst trying not to run like a complete and utter div.... 

I then decided that it was time to go training with the lovely people of Simons Heros - a Charity based in Tamworth that raise money for local children with life limiting illnesses for things that will enrich their lives ( please go to http://simonsheroes.org.uk/ to see more

Info ❤️).

So off I went for Thursday night outdoor training. OH MY GOSH. I couldn't walk for a week!! But it was amazing, and I won the trophy! (Most likely to be pity but non the less I still got it!)

I even started having PT, which is amazing, in a beaut new Gym in Tamworth called The Fitness Junction 

( http://fitnessjunction.co.uk/ ) in fact It's that ace I've joined but haven't actually been since officially signing up for reasons I'll explain in a bit...

So training continued - even started training in the woods -in the rain and thunder -got lovely and muddy and bloody loved it 

and then I think this is where I got too cocky... I decided in my wisdom to join SH running club too.  I managed 5k in 50 minutes, walking and running, thanks to the lovely people of SH staying with me, egging me on and after I felt fabulous. 

My problem is that I hate not being good at stuff, which might be why I don't usually exercise, so naturally I wanted to beat my time. This was the beginning of the end. My brother kindly ran with me, same route as the previous week, there were some, (a lot), of times I wanted to stop but he wouldn't let me, my left thigh began to hurt, "man up" he said, "your not ill anymore," "keep going".....

Yes, I beat my PB (37 mins if you must know), but OUCH.

Now because I'm some sort of hardcore fitness junkie I went training in the woods 48hrs later. Big mistake. Maybe i would have thrown the towel in earlier but Arron came with me this week and I didn't want him to think I was rubbish so I carried on. Plus I had brand new trail trainers which look fab - 

Cardiac hill. Oh dear. Should have known this was a bad idea. Running up and down, stopping to do star jumps/crunches/burpies/squats..... Followed by a circuit of walking/jogging up hill and back down, again stopping to exercise, then a run through a very muddy brook and to finish, a crawl under a cargo net....

Everyone jogged back to their cars, I limped, the whole way back. In fact, this has happened ....

Yep I'm now hobbling around unable to lift my left leg. If it didn't hurt so much I'd laugh. Yet another reminder that my body has been through hell and back and isn't where it should be. 2 years now and I'm

Still not right. IFHC.  I feel like such a prat- what was I thinking??

Still no sign of those shorts.....

Back to life, back to reality

In 10 hours I will be back at work. 19 months off, 602 days....

Surprisingly I'm not feeling nervous (yet), I keep getting waves of sadness, the last time I was at work was the day I was diagnosed, some what blissfully unaware, I was waiting for my biopsy results but didnt know for sure..we were thinking about a holiday later that year and planning maybe to have a baby....

So much has changed since that day. Urgh. I'm not the same person I was.

I'm hoping I will fall straight back into it, I'm hoping it will tire me out so I will start sleeping, I'm hoping it gives me something else to talk about, I hope it makes me forget all about C if only for a few hours, I'm hoping it makes me feel a bit normal again .. Dare I say it... Like me again.

I'm not looking forward to the alarm clock going off....

F- It List

Not at all cancer related, but I got to thinking, why do people make a list once they’re lives are being cut short? 

Imagine having THAT appointment with your oncologist and knowing that you have so much that you want to do?

Get married✅

Bora Bora

Tattoo✅

Ear piercing✅ 

Fly 1st class

Family holiday to Disney Florida ✅

New York✅

Northern Lights

Jamaica ✅

Ballet✅

Loboutins 

Washington✅

Miami

Paris✅

Louisiana

Chicago 

Memphis 

Texas

Philadelphia ✅

Vegas

LA

San Fran

Caribbean cruise

Columbia 

ITALY

Budapest

Super Bowl 

Glastonbury 

Poland

Lambing ✅

South of France

Mulberry bag

Panoma

Costa Rica 

Equator 

Brazil

Russia

Prague

Aesthetic course

Cotswolds

Hot tub 

Edinburgh 

Celine Dion 

Good American jeans

Skiing holiday

Zip wire 

Cliff dive

Opera

Hold a sloth

Pomeranian (white) aka Jackie Brown 

Spynx cat

Realisation

Christmas 2014 for me, was about survival and recovering from chemo so I would be well enough for surgery. In my mind I had completed phase 1, I felt *lucky* to have made it that far, I had a little breather before getting my head down and ploughing through the next phase.

This year is different. For so many reasons. My body appears to be somewhat healed but my mind, well that's where it gets tricky. To say I jumped on the Christmas bandwagon is an understatement, I couldn't wait to get the tree up and fill the house with anything red/gold/tartan/things that twinkle, I have a "Santa stop here" sign, and penguins that appear to be skiing down my stairs. I also shopped, and shopped, and shopped. I had the best time, some days I would just wait for the post woman to come as I'd forgotten what I'd ordered and that in itself was quite fun. I even brought mince pies to leave out on Xmas eve.

I loved seeing everyone's pictures of fake Santa footprints, reindeer food, naughty elves, all the presents neatly placed under the tree. I loved seeing the kids faces when they opened their presents, the sheer excitement, not knowing what to open next, wanting to stop and play but also wanting to open some more. Then it hit me.

I will never need to put out a carrot for Rudolph, there will be no Santa boot stencil in our house, why exactly did I buy those mince pies? There's no little people waking up every hour to check if it's time to get up. It must be magical.

I try not to think about the future too much, well unless it creeps into my head. But it's hard not to at this time of year, new year. New start? Better year? What if it's more shit? What if 2016 is the same, or worse than 2014/2015, what if it's no different? What is there to look forward to? Hospital appointments? Scans? Results? Treatment? Anxiety? More bad news? More uncertainty?

I look at other people, I find myself staring, sometimes in a daze and not really listening to what they're saying. I envy them, all of them. Their lives, their jobs, their well fitting clothes, their homes, their rings, their families, their bumps, their hair, their bodies, their ability to be carefree, their sparkly eyes, eyes that aren't filled with sadness.

My most favourite month

December. I love it. I look forward to it all year, there's something so magical about it. 

People seem generally more happy, more willing to be silly, more social, more forgiving. 

I'm like a child who's eaten multi packs of skittles, this has now started to rub off on my nieces and nephew, I'd like to say I'm sorry, but I'm not (sorry Hollie!).

To say I've gone over board this year is quite an understatement,the house is full of decorations, I've even made a few myself....

 There are presents everywhere, in every room practically, the wrapping paper is co-ordinated, I even have stamps to print on the gift tags.

Charles and Eddie are out again in all their glory taking pride at the top of mine and Hollies trees #wouldILieToYou

The boys both have their advent calendars - which they are well happy about...

I've also managed to pack in as much as I can, in fact I think I have plans every day from now until Xmas day, why not? Actually I could have done with renting somewhere in London for the month! But then I guess I wouldn't be able to stay up with Rhian until stupid o'clock drinking champers and bailys watching people falling over and generally doing stupid stuff on you tube.... (Please search for melon face it's a fave).

I'm so excited to start the festivities - in fact it all kicks off today for a long weekend of doing tacky touristy things, standard Xmas visit to Liberties, dinner and xfactor, lunch with the bitches and pub quizzes. Then I have a

Cancer Xmas party, comedy, family time, escaping rooms, road trips, facials, snowballs, fizz, snow play, birthdays, nativity plays, meeting reindeers and Santa and loads of other utterly fabulous things. 

This is a far far cry from last year and I intend on enjoying every bloody second of it. 

X