The love is still very much there, from everyone. But now there's a look, even when they don't realise they're doing it, there's a look of sadness and despair, they don't want me to know they feel it but they don't know that I can see it, I can sense it,I'm very aware of it.
The laughter is there, at times but then so is the Big C and of course the new C's. They creep into my thoughts, every second of every day. Apart from 10-20 seconds when I wake up each morning. It's gone, it's my favourite part of the day, I smile and I mean it. And then it hits me. Everyday. It takes my breath away.
I lay in bed for a while, very still, I think about what aches, the twinges, I try to prepare myself for the day, I wonder what will change, what news I will be given, what kind of hospital letter will be dropped through the door. I long to wake up and find that this has been a nightmare. But that never happens. The carousel never stops turning.