Patience is a virtue

Yeah said someone, a woman most likely, with nice long hair, boobs and a functioning womb...

Urghhhhhhh

I finished radiotherapy 16 months ago, that's a long time, and I still don't have any boobs, none.

Yes I know "the worst bit is done now" and "I bet it's nice not having treatment and having a break" but it's also a pain in the arse not having any tits either.

Having being told that I would start the process this summer, forgive me for being a little racked off that in the middle of September I've not had so much as a pre op date yet. 

Don't get me wrong, I've met my surgeon IN MARCH and he seemed lovely agreed to do the surgeries that I "want" but that's it, nothing since.

Having chased them up myself, various times, I've now been told that they're waiting for another surgeon to either go off sick or book annual leave to free up a theatre space, this will then be offered to my surgeon and if he has no other commitments and gets back to them quick enough I might be offered a slot - apparently he's been offered a slot before and didn't get back to them in time and so they let another surgeon have it!!

Yep that's right. Great. No idea when - a weeks time? A months time? This year? next year? I've saved my holiday entitlement from work as I don't get sick pay, so do I take it now in case I end up loosing it? Or wait just incase I get a date? Oh yes this really is the good bit now isn't it!! uurrrggghhhhhhh

I would just like to be able to grab something out of my wardrobe without having the daily debate of whether I need to wear my bleeding softies, can you see my concave chest or can I get away with it?

one things for sure, I need the process starting, because IM GETTING MARRIED!!

oooh I feel another blog coming on....

 

Patience is a virtue

Yeah said someone, a woman most likely, with nice long hair, boobs and a functioning womb...

Urghhhhhhh

I finished radiotherapy 16 months ago, that's a long time, and I still don't have any boobs, none.

Yes I know "the worst bit is done now" and "I bet it's nice not having treatment and having a break" but it's also a pain in the arse not having any tits either.

Having being told that I would start the process this summer, forgive me for being a little racked off that in the middle of September I've not had so much as a pre op date yet. 

Don't get me wrong, I've met my surgeon IN MARCH and he seemed lovely agreed to do the surgeries that I "want" but that's it, nothing since.

Having chased them up myself, various times, I've now been told that they're waiting for another surgeon to either go off sick or book annual leave to free up a theatre space, this will then be offered to my surgeon and if he has no other commitments and gets back to them quick enough I might be offered a slot - apparently he's been offered a slot before and didn't get back to them in time and so they let another surgeon have it!!

Yep that's right. Great. No idea when - a weeks time? A months time? This year? next year? I've saved my holiday entitlement from work as I don't get sick pay, so do I take it now in case I end up loosing it? Or wait just incase I get a date? Oh yes this really is the good bit now isn't it!! uurrrggghhhhhhh

I would just like to be able to grab something out of my wardrobe without having the daily debate of whether I need to wear my bleeding softies, can you see my concave chest or can I get away with it?

one things for sure, I need the process starting, because IM GETTING MARRIED!!

oooh I feel another blog coming on....

 

Spa days are the best days

Today I went to Hoar Cross Spa courtesy of an amazing charity called Ellie's friends. https://www.hoarcross.co.uk/

I went alone and it was fabulous.

Just me and 5 magazines, perfect. I doubt that this would be something I would have done alone BC but it was great, I didn't speak to anyone apart from the bar tender and waitress - bliss.

I had a gorgeous 3 course lunch, I sat there, alone, and people watched, whilst pretending to read my magazine. 

I flitted between hydro pool, salt water pool, hot tub, plunge pool, sun loungers - I even made time for a full body massage (highly recommended- I think this ought to be done at least once a month from now on). 

Total selfish indulgence and I can't recommend it enough, I'm already planning my next visit, alone !!

I would like to say a massive thank you to the people of Ellie's Friends - https://www.elliesfriends.org/ and if your business / place of work can offer any freebies to this charity I know there's a load of cancer patients who deserve something lovely in the shit storm that is life after during and cancer xx 

I'm soooooo ready to go back!!

Stress, fracture

 It seems that this whole cancer thing is never ending, 2 years on from diagnosis and it continues to keep on giving.

I decided that I would get into shape, cancer treatment doesn't make you thin, in fact it's quite the opposite, plus apparently eating twigs and exercising means that you don't get cancer...

I started running, and I loved it. Absolutely loved it, it was the only time I didn't think about the rubbish bullshit - mainly because I was thinking about crap I must look running, but still.

So then I go and bust a muscle in my thigh, as you do, and then have to fork out for weekly physio sessions and sigh when I see my gym membership go out each month. 

So after hobbling around Butlins on a hen party and somehow completing the crystal maze (which involved me getting into a wooden barrel and rolling across the room)... I might have caused a stress fracture in my hip. Brilliant.

So routine MRI came back no change (whoop whoop), and I got a call to say that the pelvis MRI needed to be re-looked at. Nothing to worry about, could just be the imaging, all would be ok, especially as I wasn't in any pain at all (right side). Then I get another call to say that the orthopaedic team had reviewed the scans and it looks like I might have a stress fracture in my right hip/pelvis, and they want to do a bone scan of the area, again I was told not to worry, it's nothing to do with cancer, completely separate issue. Brilliant.

So now, of course, I have pain in my right side. Excellent.

Today was the bone scan, of my pelvis. Oh no wait, it was for my whole body. Why would they want to do that when its non cancer related and is purely to see if I've broken my hip like an 89yr old?? 

Weird but ok if that's what they want then fine. Stupidly I turned my head and I think I saw a bright spot on my rib, fricken great. Whatever.

Now my result appointment is this Friday, but the scan won't be reported on until Friday or Saturday, I don't think for a second that I would be telephoned and told not to attend if it's not done before I go to clinic on Friday, that's because they only look at the scan when they're about to call you in. So I popped along to the Chemo unit and they've said that the oncologist will look at it tomorrow and will call me. If the images are ready to view.

Hello scanxiery, it's been a while - well actually about a month.

So that's it, I'm done, no more scans for me, I've had 3 bone scans, 2 CT's and 7-8 MRIs, I'm done. No more.

For now I've just taken my little pill and will hopefully drift off soon.

Fuck you cancer.

Panic button

Overall the last few months have been pretty amazing, becoming an aunty again, moving house/pulling down ceilings/sanding/picking paint/new kitchen... All pretty "normal" standard stuff, this is exactly what I've been waiting for, for 2 years. Oh and I also spent the day in London being interviewed for a documentary but more on that later...

Today I had my 6 monthly full spine and pelvis MRI. Big sigh. Didn't really think much of it but I woke up this morning And my old friend had returned - the little ball of anxiety lodged in the back of my throat, fabulous.

Cancer has crept back into my thoughts, I'd been doing really well, I've been going hours without thinking about the big C, I've felt a bit regular again...

I think it started when I had to go pay for a plastic piercing tone put in my ear so it won't close up - is this something I'll have to do now every 6 months! Will I have to pay for them to put my metal one back in??

I know I'm imagining it but I'm sure the MRI machine is smaller, or did they put the bed up higher this time? And those bloody headphones which lets face it, you can't really hear the music anyway can you? So I had my headphones on, huge cage over my pelvis, another around my neck, I was given the all important panic button (which of you ask me, they must get so annoyed if you press that as you have to start all over again - imagine if life had a panic button - press it and everything stops?...) and I shut my eyes and my thoughts floated off... Started with Bora Bora (nope still not been) and then I came crashing back with thoughts of "oh my god they're all looking at my spine - it's covered in cancer, they're all doing that bloody head tilt"... 

I was told that it would take around 45 minutes so I was quite surprised when I was ejected out after only 30, not sure if that's good or bad? I'm thinking that if it was bad they'd have scanned and re-scanned? Maybe?... 

I checked that should there be anything really horrid that my oncologist would call and see me sooner? Yes. Will it be reported on this week? Yes. She also said that it would go through as urgent, why is that? Is that because I lied and said I was meeting my oncologist next week? And so it begins.....

But I did get a heart made out of play do from Lolaah, so it's not all bad I guess....

730 days

The biopsies are back, I'm really sorry, it's picked up cancer cells......you have cancer.

That was 2 years ago today. 2 whole years and yet whenever I think about that day I get that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's actually quite overwhelming. I'm not the same person that I was 731 days ago. I wish I was that person, I would love to feel that again, carefree, normal ( and not to have a bloody lymphedema sleeve or crappy menopause). Wow I can't even remember how it feels, that makes me sad, 2 whole years.

I suppose in terms of my emotional state I'm the best I've ever been in the last 730 days, well today I feel like I am. The crying is less frequent, but I'm still, and will always be weighed down by cancer. 

Gone are the days of an ache or pain being nothing more than an ache or pain because I've drank too much the night before or I've hurt myself exercising or I'm just worn out from working 12 hour days, it's the cancer returning, of course it has, it's bound to at some point isn't it?

Am I too happy at the minute?this surely won't last long, something is going to happen, it has to, it always does, prepare for and expect the worst. This is now what feels normal for me, these feelings, is this it now..... forever?

At night I lie in bed and imagine what life would have been, what would I look like? Where would we live? What would our 19 month old child look like? What would she (I always imagine she) be doing -talking? Walking? Would she be a girly girl? Would our house be full of dolls and my little ponies? Would we be going on our very own family holiday? Would we be thinking about another? Maybe a blue one?

Yep, 730 days on and I still can't sleep.

I guess it doesn't really matter, there's no point in thinking about these things, the clock won't go back, this can't be undone and I'm pretty sure this nightly routine I have isn't exactly healthy, but I almost look forward to it. Life can be anything I want it to be. 

And then I get a twinge and there it is again, reality, cancer, and I'm wide awake, it's the loneliest place to be.

Call the midwife

It's 02:14am, she's 3cm and we've been here for 17 hours, and it's amazing, absolutely wonderful (well, if you were to ask my sister at this precise time I think she'd have a very different opinion...)

She's in a state of pain maybe a bit delirious and well, actually she's writhing around the bed using gas and air as if her life depended on it! 

Meanwhile we've been playing a number of epic songs (Dave would very much disagree) and I've been singing to the little fella ... All the classics - Tina Turner, Ricky Martin, the Toffife chocolate jingle (there's so much fun in Toffife) - I don't know why, just got stuck in my head.

I hope he's out soon, I'm desperate to meet him and have a cuddle....

So now it's almost 4am, her waters have been broken (ouch) and it's fair to say it looks pretty painful, I could murder a cup of tea...

HE'S HERE!! He came at 0425am weighing 8lbs 6, I never did get that cup of tea !) it was amazing, Hollie was amazing, so was Dave, I'm so proud of them both. The look on their faces was something else, that feeling of seeing your baby for the first time must be out of this world. He's gorgeous and he's completely stolen my heart. I was asked to cut the cord and I even got him dressed for the first time (which included putting on a very tiny nappy - let's hope I'm not asked to be the first one to change him....)

Hollie is now in theatre -pesky placenta wouldn't deliver so she's having a spinal block and well you can guess the rest 🖐🏼......

I literally can't stop smiling, partly because our fabulous midwife Mavis, brought in a pot of tea shortly after he was born but also its just so amazing. I can't stop staring at him, he's perfect, and right now he has the potential to do or be anything he wants, which when you think about it, it's incredible, he doesn't know about sadness or pain, and hopefully he will just be happy - oh and heart his aunty of course! 

Epic exercise .... Fail

For as long as I can remember I've threatened to start exercising, mainly because I want nice legs to be able to wear shorts, that's basically all it boils down to. 

I started working loads and didn't really have time and then the whole cancer thing happened and so summer legs went out the window. I did think that I would loose weight during treatment (every cloud and all, but that didn't happen).

Anywho, treatment finished around 10 months ago, had yet another summer of hating my legs and then decided to give the whole running thing a go. Well that's a lie, I got my trainers last year and wore them to the park...once...

But earlier this year I decided to give it a go, I highly recommend the Couch to 5K app. I was actually quite nervous and so I went out on my own (at night so no one would see me), I really enjoyed it, well as much as you can enjoy trying not to get run over or fall over or pass out, all whilst trying not to run like a complete and utter div.... 

I then decided that it was time to go training with the lovely people of Simons Heros - a Charity based in Tamworth that raise money for local children with life limiting illnesses for things that will enrich their lives ( please go to http://simonsheroes.org.uk/ to see more

Info ❤️).

So off I went for Thursday night outdoor training. OH MY GOSH. I couldn't walk for a week!! But it was amazing, and I won the trophy! (Most likely to be pity but non the less I still got it!)

I even started having PT, which is amazing, in a beaut new Gym in Tamworth called The Fitness Junction 

( http://fitnessjunction.co.uk/ ) in fact It's that ace I've joined but haven't actually been since officially signing up for reasons I'll explain in a bit...

So training continued - even started training in the woods -in the rain and thunder -got lovely and muddy and bloody loved it 

and then I think this is where I got too cocky... I decided in my wisdom to join SH running club too.  I managed 5k in 50 minutes, walking and running, thanks to the lovely people of SH staying with me, egging me on and after I felt fabulous. 

My problem is that I hate not being good at stuff, which might be why I don't usually exercise, so naturally I wanted to beat my time. This was the beginning of the end. My brother kindly ran with me, same route as the previous week, there were some, (a lot), of times I wanted to stop but he wouldn't let me, my left thigh began to hurt, "man up" he said, "your not ill anymore," "keep going".....

Yes, I beat my PB (37 mins if you must know), but OUCH.

Now because I'm some sort of hardcore fitness junkie I went training in the woods 48hrs later. Big mistake. Maybe i would have thrown the towel in earlier but Arron came with me this week and I didn't want him to think I was rubbish so I carried on. Plus I had brand new trail trainers which look fab - 

Cardiac hill. Oh dear. Should have known this was a bad idea. Running up and down, stopping to do star jumps/crunches/burpies/squats..... Followed by a circuit of walking/jogging up hill and back down, again stopping to exercise, then a run through a very muddy brook and to finish, a crawl under a cargo net....

Everyone jogged back to their cars, I limped, the whole way back. In fact, this has happened ....

Yep I'm now hobbling around unable to lift my left leg. If it didn't hurt so much I'd laugh. Yet another reminder that my body has been through hell and back and isn't where it should be. 2 years now and I'm

Still not right. IFHC.  I feel like such a prat- what was I thinking??

Still no sign of those shorts.....

Back to life, back to reality

In 10 hours I will be back at work. 19 months off, 602 days....

Surprisingly I'm not feeling nervous (yet), I keep getting waves of sadness, the last time I was at work was the day I was diagnosed, some what blissfully unaware, I was waiting for my biopsy results but didnt know for sure..we were thinking about a holiday later that year and planning maybe to have a baby....

So much has changed since that day. Urgh. I'm not the same person I was.

I'm hoping I will fall straight back into it, I'm hoping it will tire me out so I will start sleeping, I'm hoping it gives me something else to talk about, I hope it makes me forget all about C if only for a few hours, I'm hoping it makes me feel a bit normal again .. Dare I say it... Like me again.

I'm not looking forward to the alarm clock going off....

F- It List

Not at all cancer related, but I got to thinking, why do people make a list once they’re lives are being cut short? 

Imagine having THAT appointment with your oncologist and knowing that you have so much that you want to do?

Get married✅

Bora Bora

Tattoo✅

Ear piercing✅ 

Fly 1st class

Family holiday to Disney Florida ✅

New York✅

Northern Lights

Jamaica ✅

Ballet✅

Loboutins 

Washington✅

Miami

Paris✅

Louisiana

Chicago 

Memphis 

Texas

Philadelphia ✅

Vegas

LA

San Fran

Caribbean cruise

Columbia 

ITALY

Budapest

Super Bowl 

Glastonbury 

Poland

Lambing ✅

South of France

Mulberry bag

Panoma

Costa Rica 

Equator 

Brazil

Russia

Prague

Aesthetic course

Cotswolds

Hot tub 

Edinburgh 

Celine Dion 

Good American jeans

Skiing holiday

Zip wire 

Cliff dive

Opera

Hold a sloth

Pomeranian (white) aka Jackie Brown 

Spynx cat