Tuesday, 19 May 2015

For Jojo xo

Fucking shitty fuck sticks

Our darling Jojo 

My heart is heavy, I am completely overwhelmed with sadness, I miss you so much already, I keep expecting to see your face pop up on our group. The Seven Bitches (something a group of 7 year olds would call themselves but who cares were awesome), brought together through the shit storm of cancer and I'm so glad I can call you my friend.

Endless days,nights weeks and months of conversation about relationships, cancer, side effects, scars,treatment, toilet/bum problems,sex, holidays, future plans, bitching (Obvs), puppies, trashy TV (ex on the beach), vac beds, dandelion tattoos, chorizo cat, superheroes, wigs, venting our frustration about everything, chemo brow, pug videos, politics. I think about these conversations, we all talk about these conversations and for a moment I smile, actually I find myself laughing so hard that I cry, and when I'm sad I find myself thinking about your train journey home wearing a pad "just in case" and Sleeping in leggings...

You made me smile through my tears when I was diagnosed with bone metastasis, you even checked in on me from your bed last week.

We all miss you, everyday, all day. 

Until the next time-  I know you'll have a drink and a couple of puppies waiting for me xo

To read Jojo's fAbulous blog click on the link:-

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Once upon a different life...

13 days ago there was hope and light. I would have an enriched life, full of laughter and love. We would be happy, we would have our own adventures, we would be perfect.

The love is still very much there, from everyone. But now there's a look, even when they don't realise they're doing it, there's a look of sadness and despair, they don't want me to know they feel it but they don't know that I can see it, I can sense it,I'm very aware of it.

The laughter is there, at times but then so is the Big C and of course the new C's. They creep into my thoughts, every second of every day. Apart from 10-20 seconds when I wake up each morning. It's gone, it's my favourite part of the day, I smile and I mean it. And then it hits me. Everyday. It takes my breath away.

I lay in bed for a while, very still, I think about what aches, the twinges, I try to prepare myself for the day, I wonder what will change, what news I will be given, what kind of hospital letter will be dropped through the door. I long to wake up and find that this has been a nightmare. But that never happens. The carousel never stops turning.

Sunday, 3 May 2015

A new date to remember

Friday 1st May 2015 approx 11:30am

I was told that I have bone metastasis.

There's no chance of injecting any humour to this. It is incurable. It is Stage 4. No amount of pleading or preying or crying will take it away. It is my new nightmare.

I wish it was 72 hours ago. I was ignorant , I had the possibility of a future -hard to imagine but possible, there was still a chance that it was all gone forever. I was starting to think about a new normal. I'd fell in love with a house to buy. I was starting to smile and laugh most days, the crying was less frequent. 

And now I am suffocating under the weight of the unknown, I am walking around in a daze. Do I make a bucket list? Who do I have to inform? What can or can't I do? When will I have a bone biopsy? 

So many questions but maybe for now I just need to breath.