Saturday, 9 February 2019

What if

What tonight was your last night?
You’re last night of feeling “ok”

Might be alien to some but who’s felt like giving up or felt like this could be it? Not in A dramatic way, but had that news where everything changes?

Would you be brutally honest?
Would you spare everyone’s feelings?

What would you say? 

What would you do?

Imagine what you’ve done today - is that what you’d hoped for your last day? 

Thursday, 8 November 2018

The gift that keeps on giving

Tuesday morning I woke up to a parking ticket, I blame the man down the road who feels the need to have FOUR cars and a bike and an overnight visitor - and only ever parks one on his drive, I’m appealing it but anyway not a great start.

Then I went to the hospital, good old Burton Queens aka my second home (the hospital I didn’t even know how to get to days before my diagnosis / I could get there with my eyes shut now) for my 6 monthly CT scan, joy. As per they don’t give anything away so I’ll have to wait for my appointment in December for my results and spend the next 6 weeks panicking every time my phone rings #scanxiety YAY. 

So that was fine, on my way out I decided to nip to the dental to chase up my referral from months ago - as in May time. Apparently I’d missed my appointment for 31st October so they’d discharged me. Funny that, because I didn’t get a letter or a text, they then admitted that some of the letters hadn’t been sent so it wasn’t actually my fault. Bless the receptionist she went above and beyond to get me seen that day by a consultant dentist. 

 Right, finally getting somewhere. Before seeing the dentist I was sent for an x-ray of my mouth, which I’ve already had at my own dentist (and paid for) but I guess they have to check. When I went in to see that dentist she was surprised to see the root was still left in my gum and asked me if they’d ever attempted to remove it, obviously I said no.  She then asked about my past medical history obviously I was in there about half an hour, I got the usual oh my God you’ve been through so much oh my God you’re so young blah blah blah. I told her that I have bone
Injections for suspected bone metastasis, to which she replied she was absolutely disgusted with my dentist as in fact he should never have removed my tooth, due to the circumstances this is something that should only be done in the hospital by consultant dentist such as herself.


I should have never had the bastard thing taken out and it’s probably cost me over £300 and 7-8 courses of antibiotics.

so what’s next? Oh just a little explorative surgery on my gum so now I’ve got to have my gum cut open to see what’s going on and then check it hasn’t gone into the bone, so it could mean that I have now got to stop having my bone injections because I’m at risk of my jaw wasting away.

That’s fine, clearly I don’t want my jaw wasting away but what’s going to happen with the suspected bone  metastasis? without the monthly bone injection (if they are in fact by metastasis) they’re going to fucking grow and spread.

Today I received a phone call asking me to attend hospital on Friday this week for a CT scan of my face excellent, I think this brings me up to about 20  maybe 25  scans in the last four years. So now not only do I have to wait for my full body results just before Christmas I’ve now got to wait-and-see if my jaw has been affected,

Also not to mention that I now have a lovely gap in my smile line and I’m guessing no one will come near me to put an implant in.

I think I’ll stop there I’ve rented enough and im running late for my menopause implant, smear and flu jab.

One final note though .....

can anybody recommend a good fucking dentist????

Saturday, 18 August 2018

2018 what happens next

So good...I guess why does it feel like a ticking time bomb? 3 + years since it all “ended” and yet the end sight feels light years away. It’s over isn’t it? I should be moving on.... how is that even possible when every little little thing takes me back to that place, tired? Must be cancer, back ache from sleeping in a tent - must be bone mets, gum that won’t heal - must be cancer, ache in the back of my heel - must be cancer ...

Sounds stupid right?

So did a tiny indent in my left breast months after loosing my baby.

Is this my life now, yes.

Wednesday, 29 November 2017

I do I do I do

Just got back from MY wedding rehearsal, MY wedding!! I still can’t quite believe is happening - but it is in 3 more get ups.


Who’s have thought it- not me, defiantly not Arron but yet here we are. Wow, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, the first time I saw Arron was in a night club (he knew me from school but I don’t remember... infact he came to one of my house parties -sorry Mom and dad).... I remember thinking that he looked like Brian Friedman and that he was way out of my league... fast forward 6 months and we were in Blackpool together - the place of romance obvs ...

Bloody hell, I’m actually getting married, like an actual grown up.....

Friday 1st December
Almost ready to go set up at the hall, Ive had some of my bridesmaids round doing the “last minute” (most of everything that needs doing oops) jobs.... and drinking fizz, Arron,bless him has been bullied within an inch of his life but Jas got all the blue jobs done and got the champagne in -played. Next up is to decorate the hall, I don’t feel nervous at all -os that strange? Maybe I will later, I feel like I should be, maybe it will just hit me at some point... probably when I see my dad. 

Right we’re off to the hall, wish me luck....

Wednesday, 6 September 2017

3 of 4 the final stretch 

So today's the day I get my expanders swapped for actual, real, permanent boobs!! Finally - ??? Days since they were chopped off and thrown in the bin (hopefully insinerated if I'm honest, bastard boobs) anyway today is the day!! Whoop whoop !!

It also happens to be the day that Arron goes on his stag, naturally, and so he is out of the country for 4 days.... good job I have my girls and my dad.

Speaking of dad he'll be here any second to take me so I'd best hurry up - I'm trying to do the whole I have no makeup on (=it's taken me 45 minutes of make up to perfect this look and I still look like shit...)

So dads gone, I've seen the nurse, anaesthetist and my surgeon (boo hiss the fit Reg won't be assisting today) but I now have 2 consultants operating on me - princessey or what! I have asked the age old question about taking more fat than they need (and suggested maybe a little (a lot) off the thighs, knees... arms.... chin...) and I got the standard nervous laugh reply, IM DEADLY SERIOUS! I have a wedding dress to wear in exactly 85 days, plus an abroad hen weekend with a load of skinny bitches...

So that's me done until after the op, did someone say general anaesthetic (whoop whoop)....


Ouch. No actually Jesus f-ing wept this is painful, have I forgotten how painful all the other times have been? Has my pain threshold disintegrated? Or is it because I'm massively overdue morphine, and no one will hurry the hell up with it - obvs not the nurses they are fabulous,it's the bloody doctors probably pretending that their all busy and shit. I NEED THE DRUGS. Ok now I'm being very princessey but I am also crying in pain whilst trying to hold it together because it's visiting time and I'm really missing the boy, 

Fabulous fabulous nurse got hold of a doctor and I've had a nice blast of the good stuff so now I just have to relax and wait for mom and Hollie to get here.


But first it's dinner time... yum, what on earth.... I'm not a fussy eater, at all, but come on....

I can't decide if it's meant to be custard or some sort of a custard jelly ?? Think I'll stick to the tea.... 

So my visitors have gone, was lovely to see them -mom Hollie and Lolaah, and I've been stocked up with Diet Coke, crisps and picnic chocolate bars - yum. I now have that nice floaty feeling but the pain is starting to kick in on my hips from the fat transfer aka lipo, I'm loving the profile bed though - legs elevated not a swollen ankle in sight!!

Might go and get changed out of this gown and put my PJ's on, and obviously get a few pictures ....

They're so much softer than the expanders were, they feel like actual boobs! Never had bruising like this before though but I guess they've pulled the expanders out and then squeezed the new implants in, I can't imagine that they're very delicate when they do it ...

I'd forgotten how painful the fat transfer was, the bruising is already pretty bad, bad enough that I can't lie on my side anymore and my hips are soooooo swollen and rock hard....

But who cares - I've made a new best friend in the form of the night care assistant, she's kindly lent me him-

So now I can have a proper amount of tea rather than 3 mouthfuls ... arh maybe she's given it me so that I stop using the bell to ask for more tea.... who cares I'm happy

I might try and get a bit of sleep, the woman opposite went down to theatre not long ago so everyone will be woken up upon her return .....


No chance of getting ANY sleep. Between the nurses chatting/opening and closing doors as loud as they possibly can, the poor lady next to me who can't get in and out of her bed on her own and the bloody mattress that beeps every 5 minutes for what seems like an hour, I'm lying here willing someone to come and ask if I want a drink ...


To make matters worse it took 3 trips out of bed and pressing my buzzer twice to finally get some analgesia - 1 3/4 hours to be precise. Man it's painful, I'm nackered and I miss the boy. Yep moody pants are officially in situ.


God bless the day nurse (Kath?) she's amazing, sorted out my pain relief got the pharmacist to come and sort my TTO's and turned that bloody mattress off!!!!! Amen to that!! Might get a bit of sleep now until it's time to go home...

Or I could stay awake and talk to the other fascinating women on the ward with me, I think I'll do that, sleep is over rated anyway, and the lady opposite me got married 2 weeks Ago so I need to hear all of the details and get some hints and tips....


I'm home!! Well at mom and dads with lolaah and George and Barbara, just waiting for my Rhian to come and pick me up and get me home, can't wait to see her face and spoon in bed.

Sunday 10th September (very late and feeling very nicely strange from the meds)

I've had the BEST weekend!! Loads of wedding stuff sorted, have been looked after by mom and my girls and now I'm drinking tea and eating walnut, date and cherry cake in bed (thanks Grams), and thankfully I've had all my meds (as you can see in the picture below)..

Saturday was spent doing wedding crafts ( I watched mainly whilst being waited on - standard) Rhian did an amazing job with the table plan / name places / table numbers and the other girls have dresses up my jars with lace and various other bits and bobs - I love them! Then the bridesmaids tried on their dresses*- all looking gorgeous!! We even had help from the smalls 

*one bridesmaid missing 😢

I was well and truly spoilt ❤️

But to be fair the bruising is pretty painful and looks horrendous, hopefully this is it at it's worst and from now on it'll get better...

Sleeping is pretty much impossible even with the medication...

I am starting to feel better, well Hollie painted my toenails so all is well with the world once again phew. I just can't wait until I can lie on my side! I need to hurry up and heel - my hen party is just over 2 weeks away - I need these bruises to be gone and the swelling wants to do one too, literally can't wait to get Edna (my flamingo pool buddy) and float about in the pool, sun on my face, gin in my hand .... bliss 

But for now I have loads of wedding stuff to do, well that's when I'm not distracted by box sets.. and bloody online shopping, must stop shopping ... £300 SSP does not go far ... not sure I'm ready to delete my ASOS/Zara/Next/Topshop apps just yet - thank god BooHoo don't have an app... although my details are remembered when I go on the website via Safari - totally not my fault..

So hopefully that's it, all done - apart from nipples and possible hysterectomy but might give myself next year off, wow I have boobs!! I'm sure I'll write more especially once the dressings are off but for now, wow!! 🌈

Friday, 28 July 2017

 Pump up the volume

Part one 


Not sure if I'm excited or nervous, maybe a bit of both but today's the first pump up! I have no idea what to expect - I'm guessing it's instant, well duh it's not a gradual thing is it (realised what I just wrote!!). I'm going on my own so big girl pants on..... 

Done! Wasnt as painful as I thought, but then it's only been a couple of hours, I saw my lovely surgeon (I have 2 now - they do a side each), everything is planned precisely - he doesn't want anyone else touching them and wants the same team each time so the schedule is pretty tight (I wonder how annoyed they'll be when I tell them that I might be going on holiday to surprise my sister for her 30th...) He played with the magnet to find the port (I've done the same at home) and literally stuck a huge needle in the top of my tit and inflated!!  I'm already LOVING them!! And yes it was instant ... and they're plasters not stick on nipples (cheers Arron)...


Yup I went to teneriffe so I missed my next pump up, but in my defence I needed the sun and a pool .... and cava, lots of cava, it was sooo bloody nice not having to worry about being flat and checking if my bikini top was covering the scars the whole time - any who I rocked up to my next appointment with Wendy, same again only slightly more this time, ouch, ouch, ouch.

I was a model patient, I let the student nurse get involved and have a feel and in return my lovely surgeon let me have a go myself (obvs not on my own but let me pump up some others). Actually starting to look like boobs now !! Arron keeps having to do a double take, well actually it's a bit of a joke now because every time he works away I have bigger boobs when he gets home..


And again!! So now they're bloody massive!! And they literally don't move AT ALL!! As in I can jump up and don't and they don't budge!! Some of my clothes are tighter and I can just about zip my uniform up! But i feel soooo much better in myself, I feel like I can stand straight again and my shoulders aren't hunched over trying to hide non boobs, it's amazing, painful, but amazing!!


Final pump,

Amen. Thank god, they are officially enormous!! I never thought I would like big boobs but I'm loving it!! I know my "proper" implants won't be this big but I'm honestly not bothered in the slightest about them looking fake, they're amazing!!!! I mean look!!!

I need to seriously put some work into my new available personal space, as in I keep twatting them on door frames/ furniture/ car doors and it's very painful !! 

To be fair obviously they're fake, they look and feel fake but they make clothes look so much better, even if my nieces refer to them as rocks or stones!!

Not long to go now either until they're swapped for permanent ones - 7th September all going well! Eeeekkk 

Wednesday, 10 May 2017

The boob (job) diaries

Tuesday 9th May 2017

Today Is my surgery day!!!! By the time I go to bed tonight I will have something that resembles breasts and will no longer have a concave chest... oh and I get to have a general anaesthetic- all I do is win win win!! 

My hospital bag (case) is once again packed and I've shaved and tanned and got my lace knickers ready and also a tonne of magazines and a selection of nail varnish, urgh that's probably the worst bit- no varnish allowed ... although Hollie is on stand by to re paint as soon of physically possible.

I have around 45mins to eat as many sweets as I can before I'm Nil by mouth but at least I can keep the tea coming until 6am... I don't think I'm nervous about the actual surgery, I'm fairly laid back about that, although I wish I'd discovered that my softies look great when sewn into a lace bralet (thanks Rhian) typical Aimee style I only discovered this 2 bloody weeks ago... obviously I want boobs so my clothes fit better, I'm just not looking forward to the frequent visits to the breast clinic to get them pumped up, going there just brings back horrible memories.... to be completely  100% honest I can wait to have a GA....

Tuesday 9th May 0830am 
So today's the day!! I've just been taken through to the waiting area, Arrons had to leave as it's female only, which to be honest is bloody stupid and totally heartless, I could be waiting here all day, on my own, and it's not like I'm only having my bloody tonsils out.... there's another girl here too who looks like she might cry, not sure what she's having done, I really think they should sort this out, it's not good for a girls anxiety. We've been through the basics, am I who I should be? Am I having the correct surgery, check check check, so now I just need my gown, stockings and to see the surgeon. I really hope I'm first on the list or today is going to be dull, ooh the nurse has picked up a huge pile of notes, must be mine...

Yep they were mine, I'm now suited and booted in a lovely gown and dressing gown, complete with a "wrist" band around my ankle. Bye bye flat chest... hello flatish/rock hard/ swollen/painful expanders... still have no idea where I am on the list (please be first please be first) but I have to lock everything away now, including my phone, 

See you on the other side ......




It's all done!!! All went ok and this time I dont even remember them taking the tube out of my throat -get in! I had the standard post anaesthetic melt down in recovery and then passed out, woke up again crying in pain, had a blast on some morphine and passed out again, next thing I know its 1430pm ish and i'm on the ward in a more comfy bed with the nurse telling me that she's called Arron to let him know that I'm ok and he can visit later.

Phew all done, bloody hell my chest hurts!! Keep that morphine coming!! I've had a quick peek to me they look massive but obviously they're not, I think I might even have some sort of uni boob situation going on ....



Considering how small they are they bloody hurt, sort of like a burning sensation and the skin feels so tight, I'm scared to move in case it splits open !!

They nurses have so far been really nice - drugs and tea on tap, and there's only 3 other women on the ward so I should be in for a good night...

Arrons been to visit and brought all of he essentials - sweets, sweet and salty popcorn, sushi and oranges so looks like I'm good to go for the night. Deb Fletch also came to visit, I can't really remember what we were talking about it was all a bit of a haze. Well they've both left now, I've had my codeine so I'm going to try and see if I can position my phone to be able to get some sort of signal....

Wednesday 10th May 0220am
So much for a quiet night, between observation and med rounds there's not much sleep going on, plus my poor neighbor in the next bed clearly has dementia and so she's very confused, wanting assistance but unable to use her call bell and is reliant on us 3 to help, bless her I feel for her. Just had my obs done, BP is in my boots which makes a nice change actually... must try and sleep...

Lights full on, observations again... but this time I got a massive mug of tea so although I probably had 2 hours sleep I'm pretty happy, plus I think I might be able to go home today!! 
Well I started falling to sleep having finally found my happy place (6 pillows and the profile bed raised head and feet) and the sodding Matron came in bloody singing at 830am -brilliant. My surgeon came round around 9am and gave me the ok to go home with a few do's and dont's (champagne drinking is vital, no driving or housework for me -his words not mine), they must be desperate for beds because if only nipped to the toilet and when I came back my bed was stripped and the nurse was waiting to give me my discharge paperwork! Think I'd better call Arron!!

Home sweet home ! Nice new clean PJs on, along with my lovely stockings, a quick hi to Fabio and Denzel and it's straight to bed for me - I still have a lot of TV to catch up on from vacay.

Think I managed 20mins of Scandal and passed out to be woken up by Hollie, Lolaah and George, happy Aunty Aimee! Now they're gone, I've had a nap and my god I'm in pain, feels like my chest is burning, cancer side is a lot more painful than the right side, Jesus. Think I'm over tired and fed up and I just can't get comfortable...

Thursday 11th May 0600am
Another crap night sleep, so uncomfortable but not wanting to move because that brings pain and also I don't want Arron to wake up as he has to go to work today, that being said I'm wishing the time away so that his alarm goes off and I can have a cup of tea and some squash! ...maybe I should accidentally kick him...

Managed to sleep! 10am - 2pm! Whoop whoop! Then my friend Wendy came over which was lovely until Denzel jumped on me and kicked me in the tit - ouch, I would have thought by now that I'd be more comfortable but no such luck. I do have the perfect excuse for eating in bed though...

Friday 12th May 0345am
I literally have no idea why my body hates me so much, takes ages to re arrange all the bloody pillows to get some what comfortable and then if it's not my bladder it's a hot flush, can't stop crying and don't want to wake Arron because he has to go to work again tomorrow, I'm meant to be going to my mom and sisters tomorrow but I don't even think I could stand the car ride and now I'm full of cold... starting to wish I'd not even bothered with reconstruction. If this is the "good part" as everyone insists on telling me, well, they're all on crack obviously.

Didn't make it out of my house, slept on and off all day, but actually ventured downstairs too and made a drink! Have finally caught up on Scandal, TOWIE, Eastenders, and Geordie Shore, now I'm mixing it up with The Affair and OITNB season 4.  Hoping tomorrow will be better, think I might have a few people coming over. 

Saturday 12th May 15:08
Awh this morning I woke up to a beautiful bunch of flowers from my Sammy and a package off Rebecca containing PJs, a heart shaped pillow, sports bras and sweets. OH MY GOD what a difference the bra and pillow have made!! I can actually lie for a while quite comfortably, so that's what I've done! Still very swollen and I sound like a half filled hot water bottle, I have an alarm for analgesia time ..... bored now...

Andrea came to visit this afternoon then my mom who has kindly tidied up around the house and brough me supplies so should hopefully sleep tonight, I'm getting so frustrated that I can't do anything but sit around. Somehow tonight I have to try and wash my hair over the bath.. ouch... might have a glass of cava first ....

Ok so the cava wasn't my greatest idea, I washed my hair over the bath and threw up and now my chest hurts from straining, but at least now my hairs clean and I look less like a homeless person. Pills popped and now I'm going to watch some Netflix.

Sunday 14th May 23:05
Happy Birthday Lolaah!! I've had such a lovely day, we went over to Tamworth for Lolaahs birthday party and it was so lovely to see everyone -dad, brother, kids, aunties, cousins, Arrons family, but to say that I'm tired is an understatement, I think in future all visitors will have to come to me. I'm back at my usual place of residence - in bed with 8 pillows and a bucket of tea, Sleeping pills are kicking in now zzzzzzz

Monday 15th May 21:30
Arrons had to work in London today so he dropped me off at Hollies this morning, so today I've pretty much lay on her sofa, drank tea and watched Greys Anatomy! Back home now and I'm shattered, maybe I've overdone it, well if that means sitting down at Lolaahs bday party all day and getting in the car to go to Hollies today then yeah I have! Fletcher you crazy woman, I mean come on, this is getting frustrating now. I do have some weird stabbing pains going on, particularly cancer side which is unnerving as I haven't had this kind of pain since I was diagnosed. Strangely when I had them chopped off I only got phantom pains but this pain I've not had since chemo. Maybe I ought to rest... yawn ....

Tuesday 16th May 16:45
I've had my boobs a whole week!! Yippee!! They're getting less painful (stabbing pain has stopped thankfully), and I can move a bit more freely. I have my check up tomorrow at the breast clinic, and I'm hoping that she'll say that I can drive. My clothes look soooo much better with boobs, even though they're only tiny it makes a huge difference,




My current situation is that I'm home alone and I've ran out of milk!! Bad bad times... hurry up home Iliffe. 
I've pretty much caught up on my TV and so now I'm on the hunt for a new series (all suggestions welcome) although I heard a rumour that Ex on the beach and Love island will be starting soon.... but now I have a problem. A big problem.

Internet shopping. Dam you. Why is it that when your skint (as in statuary sick pay skint) you find loads of things hat you need? It doesn't help that my Facebook news feed keeps suggesting thing that I might like from ASOS and Instagram is full of prettiness. I thought I could divert these feelings and watch some KUWTK but no. Now I'm obsessed with owning a pain of Good American (good legs obvs) jeans! No, I must be good, even though I know that I deserve nice things we have a wedding to somehow pay for..... although if I brought the jeans then there probably wouldn't be a wedding to even pay for.....