To say I felt sick when the Orthapaedic Consultant phoned me yesterday is an understatement. I could barely hold the phone for shaking, he told me that he had good news, I assumed he meant that the "cancer" in my pelvis was inactive/dead. Then he said the words I thought I could only ever dream about,
There's no evidence of cancer.
No cancer in my pelvis, non. The lab has confirmed it, the consultant had to repeat it about 4 times. No cancer found.
Yes they had the right patient, Aimee Fletcher. Yes they had got enough of a sample to test. Yes they'd took a sample of the dodgy looking part of my pelvis and not missed the spot. Yes they are sure as it was CT guided.
So what on earth is it? Apparently it's what they call a "Bony Island." - a common benign bone lesion. Could be wear and tear/congenital/developmental, could be damage from chemo, quite frankly who cares - ITS NOT CANCER.
Obviously the hot spots on my spine are still questionable, and unfortunately they can't biopsy these areas as its deemed too risky, BUT it looks the same as my pelvis on the scans, maybe they were wrong? Last month the doctor that said that if he were a betting man he would say that it is cancer and there wasn't anything else it could be... Maybe he was wrong...
I didnt even realise that this was even an option, it was bone mets for sure. My hips and pelvis ache all the time, I could feel the cancer, well I convinced myself that I could, it was all in my mind, well the pain is real but it's not cancer.
I'm still in shock, I'm still not sure what to think. I've been told it was bone mets, then it wasn't, then there was a chance it might be, then it wasn't again, then it was and it was present on last years scans too, now it isn't, well not in my pelvis. I feel almost too scared to believe it incase they change their mind again. But I guess that this isn't someone looking at a scan, this isn't their opinion or experience, this is from the lab, this is a fact. Not that I don't want to believe it, I just didn't even think this was possible. I think I've forgotten what good news feels like and how to react. I'm just in a state of shock.
This could change everything, I can't even begin to put it into words, it's overwhelming, no, it's breathtaking.
Tomorrow I see my surgeon. Before this latest news there was a chance that I wouldn't be eligible for breast reconstruction, maybe this has now changed and tomorrow's appointment will be very different to what it would have been....
Maybe I can see the little people grow, maybe I can stand in the sun and feel weightless, maybe I will get to Bora Bora...
Maybe, just maybe I can start thinking about the future... This is very scary, this is something I've had to learn not to think about.
Maybe this roller coaster is slowing down or dare I say it stopping..