Realisation

I have Stage 4 cancer.

It will never be cured.

I am now classed as having palliative treatment.

Fuck

Yup, bone mets have been confirmed in my spine, neck and pelvis. They’ve increased in size, so I’ve started new treatment. Two hormonal injections, 3 loading doses every 2 weeks, today was my second lot.

I actually found out two weeks ago, not that many people know, to be honest I can’t keep going over it. I’ve been trying to ignore it all if I’m honest but I’ve been feeling pretty rubbish. Have spent most days in bed. It’s funny how social media allows you to portray your life, I don’t think anyone would have known.

It’s been horrible, actually, very lonely.

New treatment comes with new side effects. Today I went back to the clinic, I had my injections - numb bum now for the next 10-12 days, and was given some fairly “good” news. I’ve been given funding for a new drug to run alongside the 2 new injections, the bone injection and the menopause implant I have. I’m the first in the trust to get it, just have to make sure that My heart is healthy enough first. Well it’s pretty fucking smashed at the minute...

I will have to wait and see what that will bring, I’m told I could enjure a sore mouth, reduced white cell count, reduced liver and kidney function, hair loss, back pain.

More bloody scans.

More anxiety.

I didn’t really want much from life, I wasn’t particularly ambitious, I just wanted to be happy, I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again.

I wish I was anyone but me.