Is it any wonder

To say I’ve been a nightmare lately is an understatement.

Massively.

To be honest I don’t know how I’m still married.

Feeling fabulous one minute then smashing anything I can get my hands on, all happening within 12-24hours a part, seriously. Absolutely crazy and irrational, some days I cried at the thought of even getting out of bed, I didn’t want to see anyone or do anything, which is not me at all, in fact, if I actually went to work and earnt some money I would have happily have checked into a hotel for a few days/weeks. My kind of behaviour is very selfish, poor Arron, he works so hard and stupidly long hours and on top of that he is doing a masters in Law.

It’s nothing I can put my finger on, just how I feel, and it’s hard to talk about becuase my cancer train is long gone, apparently. People are now bored of hearing it. It’s been years, I should be grateful, I’m lucky.

Any who, as lucky as I am, I think it might be down to the biopsy I had taken recently, and my jaw continuing to crumble through my gum preventing me from having the bone injection for my “bone mets”, (the saga continues), my kidney function plummeting to 55 and wondering what joy dialysis will bring me, seeing a registrar for the first time in clinic and hearing her say over and over that I do have bone mets doesn’t do anything for your mental well being. That teamed with the ever looming 6 monthly CT scan, and having not had the bone injection for 10 months now, if it is mets then it will be spreading everywhere by now, so I did the only logic and sensible thing.

I cancelled my CT scan.

Then earlier this week I was feeling ok. So I decided to re book, rational me knows that I’m delaying the inevitable, I’m going to have to have the scan at some point. If it has spread then surely it’s better to know sooner rather than later? Or is it? Who knows. 

Then I remind myself that these 6 monthly scans haven’t changed at all in 5 years.... and I think about the lovely bone biopsy I had that came back clear, and the surgeon who told me on the phone was very clear in telling me that, so I was on a high for a few weeks, then I went back to the orthopaedic hospital for the check up on the wound, and saw a different surgeon to the one that phoned me.

He wasnt as convinced with the lab results. He said it was like having a bag full of oranges and one lemon, it’s likely that you’ll pick the orange, it doesn’t mean that the lemon isn’t there....

This is your life.

I’m trying, I mean I’m really trying, but inside I’m screaming.

Am I bipolar? Or is it a combination of the many side effects of some of my daily medication?

Is it any wonder I like the odd glass of champagne.

Get me to that swim up bar.

Five years on

In July 2014 I longed for the time to pass, I longed for 2,3,4,5 years down the line. At least then I’d know, well I’d either be all good or, well dead.

Today I went to see my oncologist, well I saw a registra I’ve never met, she was keen to tell me all about my bone mets. I tried to stress that the biopsy came back clear, my actual real life oncologist (consultant) has always said that she didn’t believe that it was bone mets, my initial scans were exactly the same as the one that got reported on upon my diagnosis and were dismissed, my bone scan are all clear, and above all I have no symptoms.

Nope, apparently I have bone mets. I’ve not had a bone injection for 10 months becuase my incompetent dentist decided to pull my tooth, so now I have to wait to get yet another CT scan to see if the “bone mets” have increased or spread to other organs, I think this is CT No 16.

This whole thing is wearing very thin. Most days now I want to stay in bed, the light inside of me is dim.

I’ve had enough.

Seriously.

What if

What tonight was your last night?

You’re last night of feeling “ok”

Might be alien to some but who’s felt like giving up or felt like this could be it? Not in A dramatic way, but had that news where everything changes?

Would you be brutally honest?

Would you spare everyone’s feelings?

What would you say? 

What would you do?

Imagine what you’ve done today - is that what you’d hoped for your last day? 

The gift that keeps on giving

Tuesday morning I woke up to a parking ticket, I blame the man down the road who feels the need to have FOUR cars and a bike and an overnight visitor - and only ever parks one on his drive, I’m appealing it but anyway not a great start.

Then I went to the hospital, good old Burton Queens aka my second home (the hospital I didn’t even know how to get to days before my diagnosis / I could get there with my eyes shut now) for my 6 monthly CT scan, joy. As per they don’t give anything away so I’ll have to wait for my appointment in December for my results and spend the next 6 weeks panicking every time my phone rings #scanxiety YAY. 

So that was fine, on my way out I decided to nip to the dental to chase up my referral from months ago - as in May time. Apparently I’d missed my appointment for 31st October so they’d discharged me. Funny that, because I didn’t get a letter or a text, they then admitted that some of the letters hadn’t been sent so it wasn’t actually my fault. Bless the receptionist she went above and beyond to get me seen that day by a consultant dentist. 

 Right, finally getting somewhere. Before seeing the dentist I was sent for an x-ray of my mouth, which I’ve already had at my own dentist (and paid for) but I guess they have to check. When I went in to see that dentist she was surprised to see the root was still left in my gum and asked me if they’d ever attempted to remove it, obviously I said no.  She then asked about my past medical history obviously I was in there about half an hour, I got the usual oh my God you’ve been through so much oh my God you’re so young blah blah blah. I told her that I have bone

Injections for suspected bone metastasis, to which she replied she was absolutely disgusted with my dentist as in fact he should never have removed my tooth, due to the circumstances this is something that should only be done in the hospital by consultant dentist such as herself.

Brilliant.

I should have never had the bastard thing taken out and it’s probably cost me over £300 and 7-8 courses of antibiotics.

so what’s next? Oh just a little explorative surgery on my gum so now I’ve got to have my gum cut open to see what’s going on and then check it hasn’t gone into the bone, so it could mean that I have now got to stop having my bone injections because I’m at risk of my jaw wasting away.

That’s fine, clearly I don’t want my jaw wasting away but what’s going to happen with the suspected bone  metastasis? without the monthly bone injection (if they are in fact by metastasis) they’re going to fucking grow and spread.

Today I received a phone call asking me to attend hospital on Friday this week for a CT scan of my face excellent, I think this brings me up to about 20  maybe 25  scans in the last four years. So now not only do I have to wait for my full body results just before Christmas I’ve now got to wait-and-see if my jaw has been affected,

Also not to mention that I now have a lovely gap in my smile line and I’m guessing no one will come near me to put an implant in.

I think I’ll stop there I’ve rented enough and im running late for my menopause implant, smear and flu jab.

One final note though .....

can anybody recommend a good fucking dentist????

2018 what happens next

So far...so good...I guess ....so why does it feel like a ticking time bomb? 3 + years since it all “ended” and yet the end sight feels light years away. It’s over isn’t it? I should be moving on.... how is that even possible when every little little thing takes me back to that place, tired? Must be cancer, back ache from sleeping in a tent - must be bone mets, gum that won’t heal - must be cancer, ache in the back of my heel - must be cancer ...

Sounds stupid right?

So did a tiny indent in my left breast months after loosing my baby.

Is this my life now, yes.

I do I do I do

Just got back from MY wedding rehearsal, MY wedding!! I still can’t quite believe is happening - but it is in 3 more get ups.

Wow

Who’s have thought it- not me, defiantly not Arron but yet here we are. Wow, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, the first time I saw Arron was in a night club (he knew me from school but I don’t remember... infact he came to one of my house parties -sorry Mom and dad).... I remember thinking that he looked like Brian Friedman and that he was way out of my league... fast forward 6 months and we were in Blackpool together - the place of romance obvs ...

Bloody hell, I’m actually getting married, like an actual grown up.....

Friday 1st December

Almost ready to go set up at the hall, Ive had some of my bridesmaids round doing the “last minute” (most of everything that needs doing oops) jobs.... and drinking fizz, Arron,bless him has been bullied within an inch of his life but Jas got all the blue jobs done and got the champagne in -played. Next up is to decorate the hall, I don’t feel nervous at all -os that strange? Maybe I will later, I feel like I should be, maybe it will just hit me at some point... probably when I see my dad. 

Right we’re off to the hall, wish me luck....

3 of 4 the final stretch

So today's the day I get my expanders swapped for actual, real, permanent boobs!! Finally - ??? Days since they were chopped off and thrown in the bin (hopefully insinerated if I'm honest, bastard boobs) anyway today is the day!! Whoop whoop !!

It also happens to be the day that Arron goes on his stag, naturally, and so he is out of the country for 4 days.... good job I have my girls and my dad.

Speaking of dad he'll be here any second to take me so I'd best hurry up - I'm trying to do the whole I have no makeup on (=it's taken me 45 minutes of make up to perfect this look and I still look like shit...)

So dads gone, I've seen the nurse, anaesthetist and my surgeon (boo hiss the fit Reg won't be assisting today) but I now have 2 consultants operating on me - princessey or what! I have asked the age old question about taking more fat than they need (and suggested maybe a little (a lot) off the thighs, knees... arms.... chin...) and I got the standard nervous laugh reply, IM DEADLY SERIOUS! I have a wedding dress to wear in exactly 85 days, plus an abroad hen weekend with a load of skinny bitches...

So that's me done until after the op, did someone say general anaesthetic (whoop whoop)....

17:00pm

Ouch. No actually Jesus f-ing wept this is painful, have I forgotten how painful all the other times have been? Has my pain threshold disintegrated? Or is it because I'm massively overdue morphine, and no one will hurry the hell up with it - obvs not the nurses they are fabulous,it's the bloody doctors probably pretending that their all busy and shit. I NEED THE DRUGS. Ok now I'm being very princessey but I am also crying in pain whilst trying to hold it together because it's visiting time and I'm really missing the boy, 

Fabulous fabulous nurse got hold of a doctor and I've had a nice blast of the good stuff so now I just have to relax and wait for mom and Hollie to get here.

Fit.

But first it's dinner time... yum, what on earth.... I'm not a fussy eater, at all, but come on....

I can't decide if it's meant to be custard or some sort of a custard jelly ?? Think I'll stick to the tea.... 

So my visitors have gone, was lovely to see them -mom Hollie and Lolaah, and I've been stocked up with Diet Coke, crisps and picnic chocolate bars - yum. I now have that nice floaty feeling but the pain is starting to kick in on my hips from the fat transfer aka lipo, I'm loving the profile bed though - legs elevated not a swollen ankle in sight!!

Might go and get changed out of this gown and put my PJ's on, and obviously get a few pictures ....

They're so much softer than the expanders were, they feel like actual boobs! Never had bruising like this before though but I guess they've pulled the expanders out and then squeezed the new implants in, I can't imagine that they're very delicate when they do it ...

I'd forgotten how painful the fat transfer was, the bruising is already pretty bad, bad enough that I can't lie on my side anymore and my hips are soooooo swollen and rock hard....

But who cares - I've made a new best friend in the form of the night care assistant, she's kindly lent me him-

So now I can have a proper amount of tea rather than 3 mouthfuls ... arh maybe she's given it me so that I stop using the bell to ask for more tea.... who cares I'm happy

I might try and get a bit of sleep, the woman opposite went down to theatre not long ago so everyone will be woken up upon her return .....

03:00am

No chance of getting ANY sleep. Between the nurses chatting/opening and closing doors as loud as they possibly can, the poor lady next to me who can't get in and out of her bed on her own and the bloody mattress that beeps every 5 minutes for what seems like an hour, I'm lying here willing someone to come and ask if I want a drink ...

06:00am

To make matters worse it took 3 trips out of bed and pressing my buzzer twice to finally get some analgesia - 1 3/4 hours to be precise. Man it's painful, I'm nackered and I miss the boy. Yep moody pants are officially in situ.

11:15am

God bless the day nurse (Kath?) she's amazing, sorted out my pain relief got the pharmacist to come and sort my TTO's and turned that bloody mattress off!!!!! Amen to that!! Might get a bit of sleep now until it's time to go home...

Or I could stay awake and talk to the other fascinating women on the ward with me, I think I'll do that, sleep is over rated anyway, and the lady opposite me got married 2 weeks Ago so I need to hear all of the details and get some hints and tips....

1800

I'm home!! Well at mom and dads with lolaah and George and Barbara, just waiting for my Rhian to come and pick me up and get me home, can't wait to see her face and spoon in bed.

Sunday 10th September (very late and feeling very nicely strange from the meds)

I've had the BEST weekend!! Loads of wedding stuff sorted, have been looked after by mom and my girls and now I'm drinking tea and eating walnut, date and cherry cake in bed (thanks Grams), and thankfully I've had all my meds (as you can see in the picture below)..

Saturday was spent doing wedding crafts ( I watched mainly whilst being waited on - standard) Rhian did an amazing job with the table plan / name places / table numbers and the other girls have dresses up my jars with lace and various other bits and bobs - I love them! Then the bridesmaids tried on their dresses*- all looking gorgeous!! We even had help from the smalls 

*one bridesmaid missing 😢

I was well and truly spoilt ❤️

But to be fair the bruising is pretty painful and looks horrendous, hopefully this is it at it's worst and from now on it'll get better...

Sleeping is pretty much impossible even with the medication...

I am starting to feel better, well Hollie painted my toenails so all is well with the world once again phew. I just can't wait until I can lie on my side! I need to hurry up and heel - my hen party is just over 2 weeks away - I need these bruises to be gone and the swelling wants to do one too, literally can't wait to get Edna (my flamingo pool buddy) and float about in the pool, sun on my face, gin in my hand .... bliss 

But for now I have loads of wedding stuff to do, well that's when I'm not distracted by box sets.. and bloody online shopping, must stop shopping ... £300 SSP does not go far ... not sure I'm ready to delete my ASOS/Zara/Next/Topshop apps just yet - thank god BooHoo don't have an app... although my details are remembered when I go on the website via Safari - totally not my fault..

So hopefully that's it, all done - apart from nipples and possible hysterectomy but might give myself next year off, wow I have boobs!! I'm sure I'll write more especially once the dressings are off but for now, wow!! 🌈