Quite frankly

I think having cancer has toughened me up. I think people who know me would agree, I was a bit of a push over BC, too soft, this has changed, or is rapidly changing should I say. Something else I wasn't warned about was my new found intolerance of people, quite honestly I find myself becoming very irritated by certain things and situations and I'm finding it harder and harder to keep it in. BC I would smile and then have a moan to myself after, not so much anymore. Don't get me wrong, my most used sentence is still "I don't mind" and when I say it now I genuinely mean it but I'm not as meek as I once was, is that what cancer does? Does it make you cut out all the crap? Bye bye people pleaser, hello new life- MY life my way?

Just over 3 weeks ago I was dying. I'd started thinking about, well sod it I will just say it, I'd written down instructions for my funeral, not something I'd ever thought about before, not seriously, but why would you at 32?  things have obviously changed, well my whole entire life as I knew it 3 weeks ago has changed. I never ever expected this and  I can't even write how elated I am, but, there's always a but, it's a huge thing to try and get your head round. I'm waiting for this bubble to burst, every time a hospital letter comes through the letter box my heart starts pounding, unknown numbers on my phone send my anxiety into overdrive. 

Shouldn't everything go back to normal now? Surely it's all done? Until I'm told otherwise I'm ok? Isn't that what happens? Isn't that what's happened to me?

This is what happens or this is what some people believe, mainly people who have lived a so far fabulous life and have no idea, not the faintest idea of what C does to you. 

Actually the aches and pains that I had whilst having "bone mets" are still very

much present, that didn't disappear just because I've been down graded to stage 3. I could still quite easily stay in bed all day because quite honestly some days it's an effort to go put my lenses in and walk downstairs to the make a cup of tea, that is of course after I've put my lymphoedema sleeve on because just accidentally turning over in my sleep and lying on my left arm even for a few minutes makes it begin to swell and ache.

I can't even begin to write about how this has taken its toll mentally because I don't even understand it myself.

Yes I would love to be back to normal, that's all I want, but quite frankly it just doesn't happen like that.

Cancer Treatment - the things they don't tell you about chemo

Right so you're here, in the gang no one wants to be in, let alone someone of your age, I'm guessing that you're friends are either settling down, getting married or having babies, whatever they're doing it couldn't be any further from where you are right now. This is shit, I get it, but hopefully, just hopefully I can shed a light on some of the things the hospital don't tell you..... Deep breath girls...some of its not pleasant....

May as well start with chemo...

Hairloss and sickness -this is what you've been told to expect? We wish. We wish this was the worse part... Sorry girls

Manky bloody mouth- you need difflam, You probably won't automatically get this prescribed this but it is THE ONLY thing that sort of worked for me, oh and salt water, which isn't as bad as it seems, as you will have ZERO taste.

Do not wait until you start feeling ill, have aches or pains-start taking pain relief ASAP and do not stop. Don't be fooled that you actually feel ok, that's just the meds doing what they need to, and you don't need pain on top of everything else -DONT BE A HERO.

For anyone in Tax or having filgrastim injections you may need to speak to your

Oncogist about increasing the pain relief, I was told to expect "a little bit of discomfort" in my pelvis, hips and back. By cycle 3 I was lying in a hot bath with a bottle of oramorph -don't be afraid to ask for something stronger.

Yes your hair will fall out, maybe not as dramatic as you see on TV but it will

come fairly quickly, and it's a massive pain in the arse, it gets EVERYWHERE, in the bed, all over the carpet, in your food and in you drinks. Then there's the pain of your hair follicles clinging onto any last hope they may have, and yes you guessed it, this is rather uncomfortable. Think tying your hair up tight all day and then letting it down, remember that feeling? Well that's what your head feels like 24/7 after the first chemo. If you are told like I was "ooh don't shave it, it'll be painful" the chances are that they 1)don't have cancer 2)have never had cancer and 3)haven't got a bloody clue what they're talking about. Shave shave shave, that's my advice, yes you look like a prat (or your boyfriend in my case) but once it's done it's done, it's actually fricken bloody fabulous if your in the menopause and you can literally have a 3 minute shower -and loosing hair means loosing hair -EVERYWHERE!! Probably the one bonus of this, throw those raizors away -you won't be needing them. Oh and don't panic if your nose feels slightly weird -that's your nose hair falling out - can be quite cold...

GO TO THE DENTIST before you start treatment as you can't have any dental work whilst on chemo. I didn't, (I'd been 5 months before as I always do) but no one told me to go get checked, and to be honest going to the bloody dentist was the last thing I was thinking about. I wish I had thought about it, my god, there are no words. Two weeks after my first chemo I had the mother of all tooth infections, it makes me shiver thinking about it, I even contemplated pulling the dam thing out. And so I was given codeine (and then constipation) anti-biotics and my 2nd chemo was delayed for a week, oh and I was walking around the streets at 4am like a crazy lady.... Please, go to the dentist!!

Paint your nails. Apparently UV light does something to your nails and teamed with chemo means that you could loose your nails. So painting them a dark colour is meant to help prevent it. In my blonde mind I thought that this was a good excuse to have gel nails. gel nails where you have to use UV light.... But in my defence I only did this whilst on FEC, once on Tax I just painted them black/dark red etc and I didn't loose any! Well I lost my big toe nail but that's because I decided to go to my cousins wedding in stupidly high stiletto's.... Don't do that, it's not big and it's not clever.... Oh and as with anything related to chemo, there's the pain, similar to trapping your nails (and toe nails) in a door......

Eating and drinking can be quite tricky, but do not eat anything that you usually love because you will never ever want to eat it again. For me it's Greys Herbel Tablets, they were my all time favourites, now they taste like chemo, urgh, oh and summer fruit squash, I can't even have it in the house. Actually this can be said for smells ie don't wear a perfume you like either...

Save you veins. Keep hydrated, especially when having bloods or anything to do with sticking a needle into your vein, the more you drink the juicier your veins will be and therefore easier to gain access. Oh and get some hand warmers or heated mittens, or just sit on your hand to warm those bad boys up, because let's face it, no one wants a needle in their foot....

Taking steroids after midday should be made illegal. How anyone can take these for "fun" is beyond me. Take them as early as you can. Put a reminder in your phone, write it down and stick it to the fridge, tell your husband/partner whoever you have to, to make sure you don't forget to take them. Do not take your steroids late at night. Well you can if you want to stay awake all night, climbing the walls, eating everything in sight and well, generally acting like a maniac, steroids are not fun, and they most certainly don't make you look cool. Steroid moon face is inevitable, there's no way around it, just try not to punch anyone who tells you that your face isn't massive... They're obviously lying, (and probably laughing at you), hello "Roid Rage"

Weakened bladder. This was 100% NEVER explained to me. And so teamed with sleeping pills and pain meds, I'm sorry girls, this puts you at a high risk of wetting the bed. Highly embarrassing and no talking your way out of it or blaming anyone else... I guess you have to weigh up the pros and cons, I love to sleep, I'd sleep all day if I could, I love a nap, a Sunday snooze, afternoon nap, post meal snooze, disco nap, rainy day sleepy time, duvet sofa days, I even take a pillow with me in the car. But thanks to cancer this all came to an end. Sleep became something I used to do, along with a huge list of things that cancer took from me. So when my doctor suggested something to help me sleep I could have kissed him. So what do you do? Sleep like a baby and risk peeing the bed? Or stay awake all night, every night and think about nothing but cancer for hours on end, oh and cry. So I choose to wet the bed, there I've said it. The hospital won't tell you this but it's honestly one of the most embarrassing things that's ever happened to me, and trust me, I do a lot of stupid things. The first time it happened I burst into tears, I was absolutely mortified, I'd never even farted in front of my boyfriend Arron, I don't think there was anything he could say so he just laughed. I don't think he finds it as funny anymore, well actually I think he's just used to it now bless him. Sexy isn't it? I think he's rather happy that I can no longer wear my onsie to bed, that is a massive no no - way too much work trying to get that off in a hurry, but so are play suits, and they're so pretty (sad face). A positive I guess is that you get the bed to yourself when you go away with friends (thanks 7 Bitches) -no one wants to share with piss pants.... It's a tricky choice but I'd take sleep everyday, I'm just not allowed to cock my leg over Arron when I sleep anymore....unless he's in the bad books....mmwwhahaha 

Zoladex - the massive eye-watering monthly implant that turns off those bastard ovaries that contributed in trying to kill you. Firstly it's not an injection, well it is, but it's an implant with a massive bloody needle that you have to have for 5 years, 10 if you're "lucky." Whilst knowing that your ovaries are shut down is nice, menopause at any age let alone early 30's is not. I find that week 4 is my worst week, hot flush central, raging hormones, spots and achy body.... Sadly because this is a chemically induced menopause I don't think that the side effects ever go (cheers cancer). So if like me you go through menopause with your mom chances are that she will be symptom free a long time before you are.... To be honest I've not really tried alternative medicine but I do have a silk pillow case and a chillow pillow, they go everywhere with me, oh and also my fan -animal print of course!

Tax mental breakdown - tax chemo is bad-ass. It's harsh. It attacks your entire body, mainly your bones, but you can take meds for that, nothing can prepare you for turning into a mental person. That's the only way I can describe it, at the time I couldn't see it, "luckily" (there's that word again) a couple of my gang members just happened to be bat s**t crazy at the same time and we put two and two together. Again, this was not explained.... So a fair few arguments and smashed plates later I could laugh about it.... Just prepare yourself if your anything like us you'll be crying well sobbing like a teenager because your friend hasn't replied to your text message and so obviously it's because she doesn't like you.......

Chemo brain or as I put it down to blondeness aka "Aimee-isms." First thing do not panic you don't have dementia,so when you realise that your empty plate is in the fridge and the butter and marmite are in the sink this is completely normal. Also repeating yourself time and time again is to be expected. On occasion this can be advantageous as you do genuinely forget things, now if that's things you didn't necessarily want to do or go it's not your fault it's chemo. Don't be alarmed when you're telling a fantastic hilarious story and you forget what your saying halfway through a sentence this does not mean that the cancer has spread to your brain you have chemo fog. And for all the haters out there it's listed on the Macmillan webpage so it's real.

Obsessive buying - i'm not sure this counts as a side effect but it seems to happen to everybody I've spoken to who is going through chemo. The fact of the matter is that you can't stop buying things. You have a lot of time of time on your hands but fear not for the times when you can't leave the house there is the Internet. No I'm not condoning buying shed loads of things but if you need new shoes then you need new shoes, I'm also not condoning lying but if you were to wear your new shoes outside just to mark the bottom then technically they're not new and you've worn them once, chemo brain can also play a big part in this "side effect" as you may not even remember buying them… 

So before this turns into a degree dissertation I will leave you with a list of programs that got me through my summer

Breaking bad 

Orange is the new black 

Scandal

Grays anatomy

Peaky blinders

EX on the beach

Mob wives

Downton Abbey

Keeping up with the Kardashians

Happy viewing xx

Oh and PS you WILL get through it, as tough as it may seem now, milk it for all its worth!! This was me Xmas day -23 days after my 8th and final chemo - bald and bloated as you like but I had THE BESTIST Xmas ever and was able to eat, drink and defo be merry....

And 9 months on I feel like this.....

Time Hop -the big hair fall out

Tonight I saw something on my Facebook time hop from 15th August last year. It was about getting to that point where I needed to shave my head. 

Bloody hell, Two things -

1. Was that 12 months ago?

2. How on earth did I get through chemo?

Ok so 3 things -why the hell hasn't my hair grown back already??

Wow, I can't believe it, I have no idea how I even got here. Someone recently asked me what advice I would give to someone who's just had that devastating news and was about to start chemo. What would I say? I would probably start with a big sigh, and say that they can do it, you don't have a choice and there isn't anything that can prepare you for it. Ask questions and join a support group. And then sigh again and probably well up.

My little coven (aka 7 bitches) have been discussing this tonight, looking back at last summer, old pictures, most of my treatment has been recorded with pictures, I still can't work out if that's a good thing. Sometimes they make me realise just how far I've come but then other times they provoke an unwelcome emotion. Having my coven helps, today both the girls and the pictures help. 

So this is it, my hair diary....

30th June 2014 -just washed, dried and straightened my hair for the last time.

After I took this photo I burst into tears. There was no going back, everyone I knew would now know that I had cancer, the fear of the unknown was setting in, in less than 24 hours I would be having my first chemotherapy.

1st July 2014 - Dreaded Cold Cap and 1st Chemo.

At this point the cap had been on for a few hours, before this point I'd cried, felt unbelievably sick and wanted to take it

off. The pain of the cold cap is torture, I did it once and it didn't work, I lost my hair anyway (secretly relieved), I have no idea how people manage to do this 6,7,8+ times, (Sarah Perry you're baddass).

This was taken on the night of my first chemo, Arron said that he could tell that I was starting to fade as I was sinking further into the sofa and was starting to become very spaced out...

Behind that smile I was terrified, probably the most scared I've ever been in my whole life.  This smile was now to become my mask, on the inside I was crying hysterically. At around 2am the next morning I felt the full effects of my first chemo, it's a very strange feeling, it feels surreal almost out of body, the sickness is nothing I've ever experienced before, ever. It's nothing like a hangover, stomach bug, gastroenteritis, it's indescribable, vile. I told Arron that I was done, I didn't want anymore.

22nd July 2014 - The fall out begins

After chemo 1, I lost a fair bit of hair, it was everywhere, Arron tried to hide it and I would often catch him scooping it up when he thought I wasn't looking. My sister Hollie had the unfortunate task of washing my hair for me as I didn't have the energy to do it myself. This was heartbreaking, I'm crying now just thinking and writing about it. Her hands were visibly shaking, she was terrified that it would all come out, I never thought that my little sister would have to do this for me.

In order to try and save my hair I could only wash it once a week, couldn't blow dry or straighten it, couldn't tie it back, and may as well forget about brushing it. Sounds strange but I was very conscious of it, not particularly how it looked but about it falling out. I would try and sit up straight and not have my head resting on anything, this made my neck and shoulders hurt, I couldn't sleep because I was conscious of moving my head of the pillow and pulling it out, was hair that important? Part of me wanted to just shave it off but having had long blonde hair for most of my adult life this was very scary. Hollie then asked her friend to cut it for me.

I insisted on keeping my glasses on because I looked bloody awful.

Over the next week my 2nd chemo was delayed due to the mother of all tooth infections, second to Tax bone pain this was one of the most horrendous pains I've ever felt, probably because along with this I had a number of other things going on too...

29th July 2014 -2nd Chemo 

There's that smile again. No more cold capping for me, I'd lost too much hair, (secretly relieved). But by now the pain had started to set in, it's almost like when you've had your hair tied up all day and then you take it down, but imagine that all over your head, all day, all night. Plus of course the other real side effects of that particular chemo -mouth ulcers, thrush, tonsillitis, nausea, vomiting,UTI...

That day I also picked out my wig, from a book so couldn't try it on, the options were very limited for someone my age as most were what I would call typical old school wigs -think 80's short slightly curly... Maybe ok for someone in their 60's maybe? I was 31. Luckily I managed to find one called Stevie, but he had to be ordered so I couldn't take him home that day.

28th August 2014 -enough is enough

Everyone around me, including the hospital kept telling me not to shave it off,  I'd be too upset, it would be more painful than at the present time. I woke up that morning brushed my teeth and couldn't believe what was staring back at me in the mirror. This was the first time I'd noticed just how ill I looked.

I just stared at the mirror, and at 10:49am I shaved my head. There were no tears, no pain, just relief.

I didn't like it, but it was more comfortable, the pain had completely gone, it was the middle of summer and bloody hot, plus I was in a chemical induced menopause and having hot flushes every half hour, ok maybe not that often but it felt like it, so being bald was actually quite comfortable. Something else that no one seems to tell you is that when you've shaved your head you stick to your pillow like Velcro!! Amen for my silk pillow, not only could I glide my head through the night but it actually stayed nice and cool.

Then I had an impromptu wig party. Well basically everyone wanted to try on my wigs, I say wigs, because I developed a new obsession -buying shit loads of wigs, some would arrive in the post and I had no recollection of ordering them...

Wig party

Its amazing how different you feel once you're wearing a wig, for me clothes seem to look better, and surprisingly not every outfit goes with a bald head...

Stevie -my NHS wig

The wig that JoJo picked 

Brown hair don't care...

Grey matters....

The obsession continues 

Whilst wearing a wig is nice at times it can be a massive pain in the arse. Itching, sweating, unbelievabley hot (teamed with the sweats is not a good look), having to be weather conscious at all times, having to designate someone to be on "wig watch" for any minor (or major) mishaps, constantly checking the mirror (if wig watch person is AWOL or if your on your own), body contact with others must be kept to a minimum -I've lost count of the number of people who have gone in for a hug and have pulled my wig back...

When in the right frame of mind I felt ok going bald, this was mainly before I lost my eyebrows and lashes, I don't think that I ever went out in public sporting the generic cancer face, and this is why -

 The times when I did go out or let people see me bald took a lot of planning. As I've already said, not every outfit goes with a bald head. To people on the outside they might claim to be jealous that all we have to do is put makeup on and get dressed, ie no washing/drying/styling of the hair. Little do they know that it's actually taken twice as long, a lot of tears and many outfit changes, plus when you get home it looks like you've been broken into for all the clothes thrown around your room.

The final head shave was on Xmas day, my head was a ball of fluff, even Arron suggested one last shave, and bless him he shaved it for me -Happy Christmas!

Since then it started growing fairly well, not as well as I'd hoped -it didn't grow down my back overnight with soft blonde  curls, but it's growing. 

2nd May 2015 -first hair cut

And so it keeps on growing, slowly. I've been asked if I've had it highlighted, sigh, but that's just how it's come back. The ends now look lighter, and Ive achieved the 14 year old boy look of the 90's. Is it the end of the world? No. Do I like it? No. But at the end of the day it's only hair... Eyebrows, however are a completely different matter ...

 

Bony island

Tuesday 28th July 2015, fabulous fabulous day.

To say I felt sick when the Orthapaedic Consultant phoned me yesterday is an understatement. I could barely hold the phone for shaking, he told me that he had good news, I assumed he meant that the "cancer" in my pelvis was inactive/dead. Then he said the words I thought I could only ever dream about, 

There's no evidence of cancer.

No cancer in my pelvis, non. The lab has confirmed it, the consultant had to repeat it about 4 times. No cancer found. 

Yes they had the right patient, Aimee Fletcher. Yes they had got enough of a sample to test. Yes they'd took a sample of the dodgy looking part of my pelvis and not missed the spot. Yes they are sure as it was CT guided. 

No cancer.

So what on earth is it? Apparently it's what they call a "Bony Island."  - a common benign bone lesion. Could be wear and tear/congenital/developmental,  could be damage from chemo, quite frankly who cares - ITS NOT CANCER.

Obviously the hot spots on my spine are still questionable, and unfortunately they can't biopsy these areas as its deemed too risky, BUT it looks the same as my pelvis on the scans, maybe they were wrong? Last month the doctor that said that if he were a betting man he would say that it is cancer and there wasn't anything else it could be... Maybe he was wrong... 

I didnt even realise that this was even an option, it was bone mets for sure. My hips and pelvis ache all the time, I could feel the cancer, well I convinced myself that I could, it was all in my mind, well the pain is real but it's not cancer.

Wow.

I'm still in shock, I'm still not sure what to think. I've been told it was bone mets, then it wasn't, then there was a chance it might be, then it wasn't again, then it was and it was present on last years scans too, now it isn't, well not in my pelvis. I feel almost too scared to believe it incase they change their mind again. But I guess that this isn't someone looking at a scan, this isn't their opinion or experience, this is from the lab, this is a fact. Not that I don't want to believe it, I just didn't even think this was possible. I think I've forgotten what good news feels like and how to react. I'm just in a state of shock.

This could change everything, I can't even begin to put it into words, it's overwhelming, no, it's breathtaking. 

Tomorrow I see my surgeon. Before this latest news there was a chance that I wouldn't be eligible for breast reconstruction, maybe this has now changed and tomorrow's appointment will be very different to what it would have been....

Maybe I can see the little people grow, maybe I can stand in the sun and feel weightless, maybe I will get to Bora Bora...

Maybe, just maybe I can start thinking about the future... This is very scary, this is something I've had to learn not to think about.

Wow.

Maybe this roller coaster is slowing down or dare I say it stopping..

Touch wood.

Wow.

Cancer: Fun Police

I am fuming.

I am sat (I say sat -I am all twisted because I can't sit down properly) on my sofa, complete with Ted stockings in situ (very glam). I should be in Brighton with Rebecca and Sarah but once again cancer strikes again and ruins all the fun.

2 days ago I went to the Royal Orthapaedic Hospital for a biopsy taken from my Illiac crest -pelvis. It never once occurred to me that this would be taken via my right arse cheek. Ouch.  

After being told I was 4th on the list and being a female only ward I had to wait on my own -once again Poor Arron had to wait about for hours on end. Unsurprisingly my BP went through the roof (155/114). Having reassured the anaesthetist that I suffer from "white coat syndrome" and my BP is "normal" at home I was given a Benzodiazepine - Tamazepam. Amen. It's safe to say that I quickly relaxed and managed to find a some what happy place. And I found these beauties a bit more funny than they actually were... So not flattering - last shred of dignity gone...

Having sat on my right hand for a couple of hours to warm up my veins they managed to successfully canulate my "chemo vein" -first time -I was pretty dam impressed. Next came the "Miss Fletcher we're going to shove a massive biopsy needle through your right arse cheek so we need you to lie on your left side before we put you to sleep." I don't think I needed the GA as I almost passed out there and then, not so much about the pain I would be in after but more so that they've already taken my boobs and now they could totally mess up my only asset. Fabulous.

Then came the GA and I was just repeating "im in Bora Bora on the beach..."

And I'm awake. Flat on my back just as they finish taking out the tube from my throat. Tea, I need Tea. OUCH and pain relief....

Then I was back on the ward, Arron still not allowed in. And it's safe to say that the pain was laughably un-bearable, until I had more IV pain relief, I have no idea what it was, nor do I care, it worked. And I slept, and woke up for tea. And passed out again. The nurses bless them had to keep going out to tell Arron that they couldn't wake me up and that I looked comfortable and only woke up for tea. At one point I passed on a message that he should nip to the Jewellery Quarter and get me a nice rock... I never got the message back... Strange...

Once awake I fell about a bit and got dressed and was told that I had to wear these beauties for TWO weeks. Not even kidding, TWO weeks.

 I even asked for a clexane injection but nope, I have to wear these. Been as it's the weekend I've decided to "treat" myself and wear these bad boys instead...

Getting home and into bed was reminiscent of the chemo days and Arron had to pretty much carry me up the stairs whilst trying not to laugh (and drop me and trip over Fabio).

For the amount of pain and discomfort I was expecting something a bit more dramatic than this, but here you go...

That's it. A couple of steri-strips and a plaster.

And now I'm hobbling around the house unable to sleep on my right side due to obvious reasons as above, my left side due to lymphoedema arm, and front due to scar tissue from MX. This is how I have to sleep and I'm sure you'll agree that this isn't ideal...

And so here I am, Friday night in pain counting down the hours until I take take more pain relief. I should be in Brighton, granted I wouldn't be dancing on the tables and wouldn't be necking shots as I can't drink these days, but I would have dipped my feet in the sea, ate cockles for breakfast and breathed in the sea air... Oh well I have fresh sheets on my bed, every silver cloud and all..

Rebecca Swift http://secretdiaryofachemogirl.blogspot.co.uk -  I hope you're having a fabulous time, sorry that me and the other sick note Sarah Perry http://hbocuninformed.blogspot.co.uk couldn't be there with you - but at least Sarah's had a real op and has drain worms to look at - I get a bloody plaster on my arse!!

Stage 4 Scan 1 Biopsy 1 Scanxiety ++

Treatment wise the last few weeks have been ok, treatment wise that is, everything else feels like an existence.

In 3 weeks I've had 8 GP/Hospital appointments, 14 days of anti-biotics, alternate day dressing changes and extreme menopause bullshit, hot sweats that are so awful that I can't even face wearing my wig and have been walking around looking like Will Ferral.

This week I get to have a bone biopsy taken from my pelvis, "luckily" I'm having a general anaesthetic so I'm hoping it won't be too bad and I will get the good drugs and be in a happy place. This is unlikely as the last GA I had turned me into a lunatic, an emotional wreck, a cry baby. Poor Arron, again. And then poor everyone close to me who has to wait the 30 days for the results ...

I'm also waiting for the results of my first MRI since bone met diagnosis.  This should happen 3 days before I go to Paris, excellent. They usually don't say a word to you during or after the scan, so I've got quite used to this and wasn't even going to try and read their expressions. Then she decided to speak to me. Questioning why I was back so soon? Surprised at my bone met diagnosis, casually mentioned a completely different area in this scan, which could just be bone marrow? Old injury? Infection? Damage from chemo? That's what she said. I immediately thought that it's spread since my last scan in March. she also asked about a bone scan, I told her that was clear and she told me not to worry then. I have called them up to see if it has been reported on yet, it has. Shit, the lady on the phone knows but can't say anything. I asked that if there were dramatic changes/something truly awful would it be flagged up to my oncologist? It would. She didn't say that it has, her tone of voice didn't change once she'd seen my results, is that because there is no change? Or has she been doing this job for years and is used to seeing such information? Have I flagged it up and prompted her to now call my oncologist and I'm due a call any minute asking me to go in ASAP? I think she is at another hospital on Monday afternoons so maybe this will happen tomorrow morning? I know that she usually gets into clinic around 8:30 -9:00am. What worries me is that when the last MRI was reported on and I did indeed have bone mets, that wasn't deemed dramatic enough or truly awful enough to bring my appointment forward, will that happen this time?

And so it begins.... Scanxiety. And I haven't even had the bone biopsy yet, thank god for Prozac. 

How on earth am I going to do this every 3 months that's if I'm currently stable enough "just" to have an MRI every 12 weeks.....

This time next year....

...1st July 2014 was the first chemo. I remember that time so clearly, walking into that room armed with food, sweets, frozen drinks, ice lollies, magazines.... Very optimistic, the dreaded cold cap, they said it would be like brain freeze, yeah ok, times that by a thousand and you might be close. 

On the outside I was smiling (as per pic below) but believe me it was gritted teeth and the pain after as my head thoared out Urgh, it makes me feel ill (Sarah Perry, I have no idea how you managed to do this SIX times)

One of the things that kept me going was imagining July 2015 and how nice it was going to be. I would be cancer free, treatment would be over (except recon but that's the good bit I guess) and I would in fact be celebrating my "Chemo-versary" on 1st July 2015 either in a swim up bar or on the beach but both involved Bora Bora and a mojito.

If someone had told me that I would actually have stage 4 breast cancer and places like Bora Bora were for another life then I'm not quite sure I'd have had that same gritted smile, I don't think I would have even pretended. I'm actually quite angry that I didn't know back then because by now I would have been in a much better place. So instead I am weighed down by sadness, it's palpable. I was waiting for Summer 2015, for my second chance at life, everybody deserves a second chance...but not everyone gets their happy ever after... Unfortunately for me I seem to fall once again into the statistic no one wants to be in.

I've been told that in order to move on (with anything in life) you have to forgive.

I'm certainly not ready to forgive and so therefore I can't move on - but can you move on from secondary cancer?