The good, the bad and cancer

Had some amazing news just before my birthday at the end of September - my latest CT was stable, meaning that nothing had grown or spread, so the Tamoxifen is working - YAY!! 

I celebrated for about a week, with a lot of eye rolling from Arron! 

But something no longer feels right, last week I spent the best part of 6 days in bed with excruciating lower back pain. I was actually en route to my friends down south and had to pull in at the services to throw up and cry, very nearly booked a hotel but somehow got home that evening. At first I thought it was kidney pain as my kidney function has recently plummeted (little buggers have done this before and then bounced back so fingers crossed and all), but then I started feeling pain similar to that of Tax chemo side effects.

Codeine wasn’t cutting it, I felt sick allllll the time, luckily I managed to source some tramadol, which I stupidly took on an empty stomach...

Then randomly in the middle of the night my top lip started to swell, and I mean SWELL, as if I don’t have enough going on, and I was actually meant to be going to work that day -what are the bloody chances ??

So a quick trip to the doctors and a shot of adrenaline later I was back in bed, very upset, very frustrated and yep still in pain. 

Friday we went away for a friends birthday which was lovely but in reality, I can’t do the normal things anymore that everyone around me can do. Don’t get me wrong there were no half marathons just a leisurely stroll through a city but it almost finished me off. I was crippled in pain, the sickness came back, my bones feel like they’re made of glass, and I get unbelievably tired sooooo quickly. So at around 9pm I went to bed, sober, on my mates bday, which is not like me at all, I’m usually the one demanding a final final. 

Is this is now for me? Is this my new quality of living? I guess it’s only downhill from here... Yesterday I popped to my sisters to pick up my washing (yep can’t keep on top of only mine and Arrons washing so my sister did it for me), I literally drove there, sat down, drank about 5 pints of lemon water and drove home, can I get out of bed today? Nope, I’m absolutely done in.

Also somethings going on with my thirst, as in I can’t quench it, I’m literally drinking allllllll day, Ive dipped my urine and that’s ok, last months bloods were ok so god only knows what’s going on there -but I guess that’s for another day.

I just wanted my good news to be celebrated for a tiny bit longer before things got shit.

Breaking Point

Sigh.

All of the shitty side effects have been for nothing. The nausea, rashes/blisters, migraines, UTIs, thrush, bone pain, stomach ache, fatigue, insomnia, abnormal heart rhythm, sore mouth, hair thinning the lot. All for nothing. The amount of time wasted in bed, all of the cancelled plans, the cancer has gotten worse, increased in size and stead further.

I now have tamoxifen for 3 months and if the next scans aren’t any better then it’s chemo.

I’m at an all time low. I’ve spent the last week in bed, can’t remember the last time I washed my hair, today I could barely open my eyes as I’ve had an allergic reaction to some bastard face wipes so I’ve spent all day in bed crying.

I’m done. 

I have nothing left in me, the fight has gone. I’ve spent 6 years with this crap and it’s taken everything from me. I already know it’s spreading, my left hip now hurts, everything I have been through has been for nothing. I’m so drained all i can do is cry. It’s so consuming, my heart is so heavy, I have nothing left.

6 years 10 steps back

6 whole years have passed since I was first diagnosed, 6 bloody years that’s a lonnnnng time and very little has changed. It still controls my life, I think about it when I’m trying to sleep and it’s the first thing I think about when I wake up. How sad. 

Bloody shit.

Treatment is fucking shit too, this new treatment plan has caused me nothing but crap. Every week headaches, migraines, water infections bla bla bla it can really get a girl down ...

Wouldn’t be so bad if it WASNT ALL FOR NOTHING

Yep, new in on Friday is that something “new” has appeared in my sacrum, brilliant.

It gets better, they aren’t sure what it is as the scan report is ambiguous. Excellent. Once again I one knows what’s going on and no one is capable of making a bloody decision.

It’s going for a second opinion on Thursday this week and I’ll get an asset on Friday. Apparently. Not going to hold my breath.  

I think I’m covering all outcomes when I say

1. they still can’t decide but 

a) I continue on current treatment

b) I start new treatment -tablet / injection 

c) I have more chemo

d) I have more radiotherapy

e) I have more bone biopsies 

2. It has got worse and is in fact more bone mets 

a) I continue on current treatment

b) I start new treatment -tablet / injection 

c) I have more chemo

d) I have more radiotherapy

e) I have more bone biopsies 

3. They decide it’s not bone mets

a) I continue on current treatment

b) I start new treatment -tablet / injection 

c) I have more chemo

d) I have more radiotherapy

e) I have more bone biopsies 

4. They still have no idea what it is

a) I have more bone biopsies and they Danny about some more and I don’t sleep

Answers on a post card

Covid

23 days in (would have been 30 but before official shielding began I went to Helens for a night of red wine).

Like many, loads of shit has been cancelled, a family holiday to Spain (even Arron was excited about going), a trip to LA with Sammy -in fact we should be there now😩, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, Ibiza, Crystal Maze, Gay Pride, 80’s-90’s Festival, the list goes on. What I do know is that the second we’re allowed were off to Jamaica followed by a much needed girls trip to Ibiza.

Wow I’m bored. It’s not like I haven’t done this before but this time it’s different, I have energy, I want to do stuff, well cleaning, I absolutely don’t want to do that, ever - lock down or not that’s not happening apart from the essentials - but well done to everyone else cleaning skirting boards and cupboards.. it’s just not for me....

I’ve mostly been filling my days with sleep (I now have to sleep alone as I’m “vulnerable”), watching TV - what the hell Carol Baskin....FaceTiming, meditating and good old fizz. Worst part is having to rely on Arron to do the shopping and therefor judging the bottles I’m getting through ...

It’s safe to say that the guys have loved having us (mainly Arron at home all day) But it does emphasise that I really need my girl dog Jackie Brown as I don’t get a look in

It has got me thinking though, Does anyone use the ribbon tie on a dressing gown?

Do the Kardashian’s use false lashes on the bottom lash- surely those aren’t natural?

I’ve carried out my own experiments on cheap fizz - skittles and the results are pretty surprising, red skittles were vile, and the top faves were green followed by purple - there you have it

And having witnessed Arrons work voice, WOW, he uses phrases like key elements, networking and going forward. He also has the strangest telephone voice when speaking to “clients” and solicitors.....

Many an hour of TV watching has been consumed, jumped on the Tiger King band wagon and wasn’t disappointed, it raised 2 questions, 1) they don’t get bit to death and more hauntingly where are their teeth 😳 ooh and also, now I really really want/need some cowboy boots.

But my saving grace has to be Schitt’s Creek, me amd Arron are both obsessed (special thanks to Sammy and Dave for the introduction)and there’s 5 lengthily series, it’s fantastic and should be watched by all.

Also partaken in some House Party activity, where I’ve mainly been rinsed for my animal print clothes collection and lack of general knowledge... but it makes missing friends and family that little bit easier,

Easter was made even more fun for us as we were given a Lazy Spa by our friends Sarah and Wayne. I think I spent around 5 hours in it on Saturday -absolute game changer and just what I needed. Just need to get some cup holders and fairy lights and I’ll be well away and happy for the next 9 weeks.

But there to bring me back to Earth was the little reminder that I do have cancer in my bones (yawn), I’ve not been able to get up today due to bone pain in my back and hips, have a done some crying and feeling very sorry for myself. I try and remind myself that particularly at the moment I should be grateful for my health and there are a lot of people worse off... but it still sucks and is still extremely painful, I guess I’m starting to understand why I’m classed as vulnerable... not fun at all....

It’s also brought on the ever attractive eczema in and around my face, with my eyes swelling so much I could barely open them this morning. Rebecca sent me a load of Moo Goo products last time so fingers crossed they work again and I’ll stop looking as scary.

The gift that keeps on giving ey, but today it does give me a free pass to eat my dinner in bed so not all bad I guess, if only I could find where Arron has hidden my bell for attention.....

Bed

Arh bed. Most people dream of laying around sleeping most of the day.

I’m bored shitless. This week it’s a migraine and chest infection, I don’t think I can watch anymore TV, I’ve got to the point where I’m willing it to be 7pm just so I can take my sleeping tablets and even those effects are wearing off now.

I’ve never been so bored in all of my life. There’s plenty I could be doing around the house but that’s all I seem to do. I spend most of my days alone, I can’t remember the last person that came to visit, how sad is that? Nobility has well and truly worn off...

Guess people have ordinary lives to get on with and aren’t completely ruled by hospital appointments, medications and side effects.

At this precise time I’m not loving my life, just existing.

Fuck you cancer.

Joyful Joyful

Christmas 2019

I bloody love Xmas, I’d keep my tree up all tear round if Arron would let me, I don’t buy into the whole bad luck thing, funnily enough.

22nd December I was at Burton A&E, exactly the same time as 2018, having the same x-Ray done on my left foot. Yep. The boot is back.

Christmas Day was actually lovely, I made Arron dress up as Santa, but Lolaah & George wouldn’t wake up so Arron stood outside from 6am-7am looking like a weirdo....

Dinner at my parents was lovely, the champagne flowed, there was barely any arguing, but then man flu hit me like a sledge hammer.

Fuck my actual life

I was looking forward to a Boxing Day night out, instead I spent the day alone ( it’s the one day of the year Arron actually likes going out so I wasn’t about to stop him ). I got up twice, to feed the guys. 

One person text me all day to see if I was ok.

I did not leave my bed for days, maybe a week?

Xmas ruined. I was so angry with myself, the flu and my bastard left foot, again.

2020 had better be better, 

Who am I kidding,

Fuck sake.

Who the fuck was I in a previous life 

OR

Shit, I deserve this ?