Yes Yes Yes!!

I'm engaged!!! Eek still feels weird saying that- ooh I have a fiancé ..

Not that I'm going to call him that, I'm not a knob.

Who would have thought it, all it took was copious bottles of cava, an afternoon at drag queen bingo and a burrito with an extra spicy chilli...

7 years of not so subtle hints, and boom here's my ring...

 

 

So now that Xmas is over it's full steam a head on the planning front, but unless we win on the lottery I genuinely have no idea how people do this! 

We have picked our church, it's totally gorgeous and everything I've ever imagined but that's pretty much it, well apart from an insane amount on Pinterest...

Who'd have thought it Arron Iliffe wanting to get married!!

But I'm so glad he does....

 

 

 

              
 

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

    
 

 

Patience is a virtue

Yeah said someone, a woman most likely, with nice long hair, boobs and a functioning womb...

Urghhhhhhh

I finished radiotherapy 16 months ago, that's a long time, and I still don't have any boobs, none.

Yes I know "the worst bit is done now" and "I bet it's nice not having treatment and having a break" but it's also a pain in the arse not having any tits either.

Having being told that I would start the process this summer, forgive me for being a little racked off that in the middle of September I've not had so much as a pre op date yet. 

Don't get me wrong, I've met my surgeon IN MARCH and he seemed lovely agreed to do the surgeries that I "want" but that's it, nothing since.

Having chased them up myself, various times, I've now been told that they're waiting for another surgeon to either go off sick or book annual leave to free up a theatre space, this will then be offered to my surgeon and if he has no other commitments and gets back to them quick enough I might be offered a slot - apparently he's been offered a slot before and didn't get back to them in time and so they let another surgeon have it!!

Yep that's right. Great. No idea when - a weeks time? A months time? This year? next year? I've saved my holiday entitlement from work as I don't get sick pay, so do I take it now in case I end up loosing it? Or wait just incase I get a date? Oh yes this really is the good bit now isn't it!! uurrrggghhhhhhh

I would just like to be able to grab something out of my wardrobe without having the daily debate of whether I need to wear my bleeding softies, can you see my concave chest or can I get away with it?

one things for sure, I need the process starting, because IM GETTING MARRIED!!

oooh I feel another blog coming on....

 

Patience is a virtue

Yeah said someone, a woman most likely, with nice long hair, boobs and a functioning womb...

Urghhhhhhh

I finished radiotherapy 16 months ago, that's a long time, and I still don't have any boobs, none.

Yes I know "the worst bit is done now" and "I bet it's nice not having treatment and having a break" but it's also a pain in the arse not having any tits either.

Having being told that I would start the process this summer, forgive me for being a little racked off that in the middle of September I've not had so much as a pre op date yet. 

Don't get me wrong, I've met my surgeon IN MARCH and he seemed lovely agreed to do the surgeries that I "want" but that's it, nothing since.

Having chased them up myself, various times, I've now been told that they're waiting for another surgeon to either go off sick or book annual leave to free up a theatre space, this will then be offered to my surgeon and if he has no other commitments and gets back to them quick enough I might be offered a slot - apparently he's been offered a slot before and didn't get back to them in time and so they let another surgeon have it!!

Yep that's right. Great. No idea when - a weeks time? A months time? This year? next year? I've saved my holiday entitlement from work as I don't get sick pay, so do I take it now in case I end up loosing it? Or wait just incase I get a date? Oh yes this really is the good bit now isn't it!! uurrrggghhhhhhh

I would just like to be able to grab something out of my wardrobe without having the daily debate of whether I need to wear my bleeding softies, can you see my concave chest or can I get away with it?

one things for sure, I need the process starting, because IM GETTING MARRIED!!

oooh I feel another blog coming on....

 

Spa days are the best days

Today I went to Hoar Cross Spa courtesy of an amazing charity called Ellie's friends. https://www.hoarcross.co.uk/

I went alone and it was fabulous.

Just me and 5 magazines, perfect. I doubt that this would be something I would have done alone BC but it was great, I didn't speak to anyone apart from the bar tender and waitress - bliss.

I had a gorgeous 3 course lunch, I sat there, alone, and people watched, whilst pretending to read my magazine. 

I flitted between hydro pool, salt water pool, hot tub, plunge pool, sun loungers - I even made time for a full body massage (highly recommended- I think this ought to be done at least once a month from now on). 

Total selfish indulgence and I can't recommend it enough, I'm already planning my next visit, alone !!

I would like to say a massive thank you to the people of Ellie's Friends - https://www.elliesfriends.org/ and if your business / place of work can offer any freebies to this charity I know there's a load of cancer patients who deserve something lovely in the shit storm that is life after during and cancer xx 

I'm soooooo ready to go back!!

Stress, fracture

 It seems that this whole cancer thing is never ending, 2 years on from diagnosis and it continues to keep on giving.

I decided that I would get into shape, cancer treatment doesn't make you thin, in fact it's quite the opposite, plus apparently eating twigs and exercising means that you don't get cancer...

I started running, and I loved it. Absolutely loved it, it was the only time I didn't think about the rubbish bullshit - mainly because I was thinking about crap I must look running, but still.

So then I go and bust a muscle in my thigh, as you do, and then have to fork out for weekly physio sessions and sigh when I see my gym membership go out each month. 

So after hobbling around Butlins on a hen party and somehow completing the crystal maze (which involved me getting into a wooden barrel and rolling across the room)... I might have caused a stress fracture in my hip. Brilliant.

So routine MRI came back no change (whoop whoop), and I got a call to say that the pelvis MRI needed to be re-looked at. Nothing to worry about, could just be the imaging, all would be ok, especially as I wasn't in any pain at all (right side). Then I get another call to say that the orthopaedic team had reviewed the scans and it looks like I might have a stress fracture in my right hip/pelvis, and they want to do a bone scan of the area, again I was told not to worry, it's nothing to do with cancer, completely separate issue. Brilliant.

So now, of course, I have pain in my right side. Excellent.

Today was the bone scan, of my pelvis. Oh no wait, it was for my whole body. Why would they want to do that when its non cancer related and is purely to see if I've broken my hip like an 89yr old?? 

Weird but ok if that's what they want then fine. Stupidly I turned my head and I think I saw a bright spot on my rib, fricken great. Whatever.

Now my result appointment is this Friday, but the scan won't be reported on until Friday or Saturday, I don't think for a second that I would be telephoned and told not to attend if it's not done before I go to clinic on Friday, that's because they only look at the scan when they're about to call you in. So I popped along to the Chemo unit and they've said that the oncologist will look at it tomorrow and will call me. If the images are ready to view.

Hello scanxiery, it's been a while - well actually about a month.

So that's it, I'm done, no more scans for me, I've had 3 bone scans, 2 CT's and 7-8 MRIs, I'm done. No more.

For now I've just taken my little pill and will hopefully drift off soon.

Fuck you cancer.

Panic button

Overall the last few months have been pretty amazing, becoming an aunty again, moving house/pulling down ceilings/sanding/picking paint/new kitchen... All pretty "normal" standard stuff, this is exactly what I've been waiting for, for 2 years. Oh and I also spent the day in London being interviewed for a documentary but more on that later...

Today I had my 6 monthly full spine and pelvis MRI. Big sigh. Didn't really think much of it but I woke up this morning And my old friend had returned - the little ball of anxiety lodged in the back of my throat, fabulous.

Cancer has crept back into my thoughts, I'd been doing really well, I've been going hours without thinking about the big C, I've felt a bit regular again...

I think it started when I had to go pay for a plastic piercing tone put in my ear so it won't close up - is this something I'll have to do now every 6 months! Will I have to pay for them to put my metal one back in??

I know I'm imagining it but I'm sure the MRI machine is smaller, or did they put the bed up higher this time? And those bloody headphones which lets face it, you can't really hear the music anyway can you? So I had my headphones on, huge cage over my pelvis, another around my neck, I was given the all important panic button (which of you ask me, they must get so annoyed if you press that as you have to start all over again - imagine if life had a panic button - press it and everything stops?...) and I shut my eyes and my thoughts floated off... Started with Bora Bora (nope still not been) and then I came crashing back with thoughts of "oh my god they're all looking at my spine - it's covered in cancer, they're all doing that bloody head tilt"... 

I was told that it would take around 45 minutes so I was quite surprised when I was ejected out after only 30, not sure if that's good or bad? I'm thinking that if it was bad they'd have scanned and re-scanned? Maybe?... 

I checked that should there be anything really horrid that my oncologist would call and see me sooner? Yes. Will it be reported on this week? Yes. She also said that it would go through as urgent, why is that? Is that because I lied and said I was meeting my oncologist next week? And so it begins.....

But I did get a heart made out of play do from Lolaah, so it's not all bad I guess....

730 days

The biopsies are back, I'm really sorry, it's picked up cancer cells......you have cancer.

That was 2 years ago today. 2 whole years and yet whenever I think about that day I get that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's actually quite overwhelming. I'm not the same person that I was 731 days ago. I wish I was that person, I would love to feel that again, carefree, normal ( and not to have a bloody lymphedema sleeve or crappy menopause). Wow I can't even remember how it feels, that makes me sad, 2 whole years.

I suppose in terms of my emotional state I'm the best I've ever been in the last 730 days, well today I feel like I am. The crying is less frequent, but I'm still, and will always be weighed down by cancer. 

Gone are the days of an ache or pain being nothing more than an ache or pain because I've drank too much the night before or I've hurt myself exercising or I'm just worn out from working 12 hour days, it's the cancer returning, of course it has, it's bound to at some point isn't it?

Am I too happy at the minute?this surely won't last long, something is going to happen, it has to, it always does, prepare for and expect the worst. This is now what feels normal for me, these feelings, is this it now..... forever?

At night I lie in bed and imagine what life would have been, what would I look like? Where would we live? What would our 19 month old child look like? What would she (I always imagine she) be doing -talking? Walking? Would she be a girly girl? Would our house be full of dolls and my little ponies? Would we be going on our very own family holiday? Would we be thinking about another? Maybe a blue one?

Yep, 730 days on and I still can't sleep.

I guess it doesn't really matter, there's no point in thinking about these things, the clock won't go back, this can't be undone and I'm pretty sure this nightly routine I have isn't exactly healthy, but I almost look forward to it. Life can be anything I want it to be. 

And then I get a twinge and there it is again, reality, cancer, and I'm wide awake, it's the loneliest place to be.